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Previous Raw Rants:

****1-03-00

The first RAW of 2000. From Miami- home of the Rock.

My momma told me if I can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. I know that sounds like Forrest Gump, but who cares? So, I'll tell you what I liked about RAW tonight.

I liked seeing the Dudleys in new gear.

I liked seeing an appearance by the Acolytes, especially being able to mark out over Bradshaw. I would like it even more if these cigar-smoking, beer-drinking, bar-brawling, poker-playing badasses get the straps off of NAO. Notice I said nothing about the match, because I'm adhering to the rule above.

No wonder I've become a Jerichoholic. I thank Chris for dumping on Stephanie's hair ("rat's nest"- preach on, CJ). I thank Chris for showing up just so I could have a little session of marking out. I thank Chris for giving a little legitimacy to the IC title until they had the fucked-up storyline. I thank Jericho for gracing us with his appearance and doing color commentary, making at least 5 minutes of RAW somewhat tolerable. I thank Jericho for being his usual humorous self. I thank Chris for trimming that merkin up. At least Taker can't use that "peach fuzz" comment on him again.

I enjoyed Mick's brief appearance to give Rocky the win. I also enjoyed the new Chef Boyardee commercial. When's Cactus coming back?

I also liked to see at least one Hardy Boy in the ring.

I'd like to say something nice about Taker being on RAW, but no one knows when the fuck he's coming back.

Well, since I'm in a saucy mood, I think I'll just made this next part to everything I hated. Other than the above, the show sucked donkey dick and was more predictable than a Steve Austin speech.

DX and their crew. HHH is a whiny bitch. Stephanie looks like she was scrubbing toilets before she came out. That girl needs hauled off for a makeover and some lessons to be more convincing. With all that money, she can't dress for a damn. NAO will never live up to the glory they once had, no matter how many times JR says so. And, I just plain don't give a damn about the little Jumping Bean of the group, X-Pac. DX will never be what they once were, so just forget it. This angle is so boring.

The Acolytes getting the shit beat out of them by the MSP- what a pile of bullshit. And, why are they still there? The MSP have run their course, and should have been gone when Shane turned face.

This shit with the IC title is fuckin' bullshit.

As for the championship, I really don't care anymore. At least Big Slow doesn't have it. Cactus better win it.

Whori now wearing matching short-shorts- excuse me while I puke.

Why did they make Al go heel? It's just not natural.

***12-27-99

Well, guess what- I don't even remember where RAW's coming from tonight.

MANKIND was fired, not MICK FOLEY. Hell, you know when Mick goes, he'll go out on top. And, you know he'll probably have at least one more title reign. Now, since Mankind's fired, any one of the other alter-egos can return. Maybe Cactus Jack- after all, Cactus is on the Royal Rumble poster and has been. So, be expecting to see Cactus in his Wanted shirt here pretty soon. And, Mick was one of the only shining spots tonight. Especially telling it like it is to Waltman. We don't care about him, and thank you Mickey for speaking for the fans. We're not worthy, Mick.

The Acolytes in a 4-way tag match. You know how I love these boys, especially Bradshaw. And, we're treated to about 2 minutes of them and the MSP trying to beat the hell out of Bradshaw. I want to see cowboy boots, cigars, beer, bars, and poker. I don't want to see HHH's nose 17-feet high and Stephanie trying to go jezebel on the TitanTron.

Why do the Headbangers have bazookas almost as big as mine?

I really don't like Tori, and where did this whole insanity thing come from? She and Al Snow really need to team up.

We got a Kane Chewbacca wail, which is good for a laugh. You know he only wails for those he loves. Kaney- drop that chick, because she's nothin' but bad news.

What was the point of the 4-corners intergender tag team match when it ended as quickly as it began? Hell, the intros were longer. And, I remember we actually did have women that are able to wrestle in it.

AND, WHAT THE HELL'S THIS? WHY DO I ONLY GET TO SEE 2 MINUTES OF Y2J? In a show I've been less than thrilled with, I live to see Jericho. Hell, not only do I suffer from Taker withdrawal, but am I going to suffer from Chris withdrawal, too? You need to put his ass on TV more. Not only can he rip on the mic, but he's awesome in the ring. Hell, you give Wight enough TV time, why not this guy? I WANT TO SEE MORE JERICHO!!!!

NAO as the best Tag Team ever- damn, what are you smoking JR? Yes, they once were good, but now they pretty much suck.

Harvey Whippleman was funny tonight. So was Too Cool and Phatu. Now, if I can howl over these guys, something's gotta be wrong.

You know, I am no longer caring. No Taker (get your dead ass back, now!) and barely a glimpse of the Acolytes and Chris.

*Walking away from the TV in disgust, muttering about the big goof and the assholes who decide not to give the Acolytes or Jericho much time on TV tonight.*

****12-20-99

RAW's live from Houston- hometown of the big, dead goof. Is he coming? Who the fuck knows?

Also, this one's short and sweet tonight. Reason- Christmas shopping. 'Tis the season for road rage. It's fuckin' awful out there, and I have to do it again tomorrow. And, I'm in my Irish Fury mode right now after dealing with large packs of teen-agers, crying kids, people who are so damn picky at the checkout, and assholes who drive like maniacs just for a good parking place. So, I'm hoping to bring reinforcements in the name of the Ogre. 6'5" 330lbs. of power. People won't move for me, but they will for him. So, wish me luck, folks.

Test- no boy briefs, don't care.

Matt/Edge vs. Christian/Jeff: these guys are one of the saviors of RAW. High-flying, crazy-ass, techincal wrestling. Love it.

Well, it's pretty much official- Austin: who the fuck's Austin? That EW kind of seals the deal.

Mick: give him the mic and let him go. It's a whole hell of a lot better than HHH. And, speaking of HHH, why should we be subjected to his nose 16-feet high on the TitanTron? It's just gonna fuck up Jericho's entrance.

Kurt vs. Viscera: Blackman interferes for Kurt's win.

Here we go: Mae/Moolah vs. Dudleys vs. Acolytes. And, the looks on Bradshaw and Faarooq's faces when Mark Henry comes in- priceless.

Mick vs. Santa in a boiler room.

Godfather spreading some Christmas cheer- ho, ho, ho, and another ho for you. He's taking on Jericho. And, dammit, one of my boys can get rid of the merkin, and another one decides to grow one. Chris, honey, please trim it up. Maybe Jericho took the peach fuzz comment from Taker to heart and is trying to prove him wrong. And, with interference from Chyna, Chris wins.

Al vs. Rock. Rock jobs.

You know RAW's pretty bad when I can't wait for the end of the match so that Too Cool and Fatu do their dance.

Kane loses to BS. Tori spends the holidays with Pac. I'm suffering from Taker Withdrawal. His big dead ass better show up soon...

****12-13-99

RAW is live from Tampa, a stone's throw away from the Dead Guy. Maybe he'll make an appearance. Then again- probably not. So, who in the fuck knows when he'll show up?

Armageddon- wasn't too shabby. At least it gave me a reason to have a wing ding. And, I will correct myself from a post that I put on a board I'm a member of. I just thought that Blackman and Angle shouldn't be doing a PPV together. They didn't generate any heat whatsoever and Angle should have more time to become polished. Of course, he got one hell of a push, being introduced at SS. And, I prefer to see Blackman facing someone with an intense style of wrestling, a la Ken Shamrock. Someone who can match his skill, not opponents who only get heat because they are accompained by some ho's and whose skills are pretty much reduced to nothing. Well, now that I have gotten that out of the way, let's get it on.

Stephanie trying to go sexy. Hon, if you're going to do that, you're going to have to extend your shopping. You can't do it totally from the Gap, J. Crew, or A&F.

And, the Ayatollah of Rock 'n' Rollah has come, wearing the WWF IC title. I'm turning into a major Jerichoholic. He and Chyna do put on a good match- best of Armageddon. And, it ended cleanly, which I thought was an archaic thing. Anyhow, Pac comes for a match and Chyna interferes.

Godfather and Hos- fast-forwarding. Mark Henry and Mae Young on GTV- that's it- I'm scarred for life. If finals week hasn't done enough damage. Sexual Cheap Chocolate and Godfather. Mark Henry wins.

Vince wanting to get him some. He calls out HHH. He gets Stephanie. Stephanie recounts the whole MOD horseshit, that angle we'd all like to forget. Visions of Taker in his big velvet bathrobe are still in my head. And, as an alternative to that whole "asshole" chant, Stephanie gets a "slut" one. Slut? Hell, she couldn't even pass as a jezebel. Vince is heartbroken, with accompaying facial expressions. I prefer the "oh shit" expression myself, with bobbing Adam's apple.

The Rock- preach on, my man! This guy has more catchphrases than Baskin Robbins has ice cream flavors, but it's still damn entertaining. And, Wade Boggs speaking for most of the people with his continous "You're the Man" praise. And, here comes Mick. Rock 'n' Sock vs. the Dudley Boyz. And, a Dudley and Rock showdown on the mic. Chalk one up for the Rock. The Helmsleys turn it into a no-DQ, Rock gets pissed, Al Snow comes in to count the 1-2-3, and the Dudley's win.

Pudding match- gag me. Miss Kitty and Tori. Here comes X-Pac and Kane. Now, there's one guy I wouldn't mind seeing rolling in pudding (Kane). And, imagine the line forming of women offering to help him clean up. *WEG* Hell, I'd be there and ensuring my place in line with either the peacemaker or my bow.

MSP and the ACOLYTES! Major Bradshaw marking out time. They smoke cigars, drink beer, brawl in bars, kick ass, and play poker- if that's wrong, I wouldn't want to be right. :-)

Hardys vs. Edge Christian- steel cage match. Over the top, to the floor. Hell, if this is what HHH and Stephanie can book, let them keep the job. :-) This is one hell of a match. High-flying, skills abound- amen, this is what wrestling should be.

NAO and Kane. Billy Gunn kisses his kids. Well, at least Tori's not there to skanktify this entrance.

Big Show and Bossman and Prince Albert. Not really caring, just ff-wrding. Wight shouldn't have the title, Bossman shouldn't be a main-eventer, and I'm just neutral about Albert.

HHH/ Test vs. NAO. Test set up by the Helmsleys and NAO. Stephanie slaps him around. The end.

****12-6-99

RAW is coming at you from Worcester, Mass. And, some hyping for Armageddon. OK, I'm paying $30 for this one. I'm kind of scared to, after Unforgiven. And, if this one sucks donkey dick, I'm requesting a refund from the WWF, including the cost of buffalo wings for the wing ding.

Here's Road Doggie Dogg and Rockabilly to face Too Shitty for words for the tag straps. And, here come the Feudin' Holly cousins and there's a DQ.

And, Stephanie arrives, with annulment papers in hand, no less. Is it just me, or does she wear the same damn thing every week?

Recaps, recaps.

Here comes Mickey, author of the #1 nonfiction book in the country. Bought it, read it, and here's my review: GO GET THIS ONE NOW! It's hard to put down and takes you behind the scenes of professional wrestling. Anyhow, Mick's calling Al out 'cause he's got some 'splanin to do.

Here comes Al, who is making a heel turn, or so it appears by the color of his hair. Damn, just let this guy do his thing and stop the heel-to-face-to-heel turns. Al's on the soapbox, along with jealousy with Mankind's friendship with the Rock. He also receives the chant of heels worldwide: asshole. Al's dissing Rock and the fans. Al says he's concerned for Mankind. After a share of words, Al goes apeshit.

Hardy Boyz vs. Kurt Angle and Steve Blackman. I can't resist- I have a name for that union: No Heat. Well, now the whole world knows why Kurt's no longer a sportscaster for WPGH Pittsburgh- he ain't exactly proficient on the mic. I think the only fan this guy has is my mom. Yes, seriously, she likes Kurt Angle. And, thank Buddha that Blackman's not ripping on the mic. I still laugh at that one and only one promo he cut with Terry Taylor.

And, maybe that deal in Steve's entrance might mean Taker's a comin' back for Armageddon, or maybe it's for Taz. Take your choice, folks, but I'm kinda wishin' for the first idea. I'm missin' the big lug. Hell, he can park his ass at the announcer's table for color commentary, for all I care. Damn, now that's desperation... :-)

Stephanie asking him to sign the annulment papers. DX acting like assholes, which is what they do best. Technically, if this was actually logical, the marriage wouldn't be legal, because she was under the influence and wasn't coherent at the time to consent.

D-Lo vs. Val Venis for the 1st contender for the European Championship. Now, I'm regretting getting this thing. JR promoting Armageddon. He calls every PPV intense. Hell, the snoozefest they called Unforgiven was referred to as "intense." And, here comes Bulldog and those damn sweatsocks.

Mae pouring some whiskey for her homies. God, now I has that Master P song in my head: I Miss My Homies. I love these two.

Godfather- automatic FF-wrding. I don't care for T&A. Now, twigs and berries- that's another story. *WEG*

And, the censors are bleeping a little heavy tonight. Damn PTC. What a bunch of washed-up assholes, whose sole attempt is to ruin the 1st amendment and to get revenge on the entertainment biz for not giving them any gigs. He's playing this whole marriage thing quite well and making it pretty fuckin' funny, to boot.

Stephanie sure hasn't inherited the gift of facial expressions like Shane has. Bad actress and dresser- get this girl a stylist.

Hardcore Holly gets squashed by Fatu. And, we're treated to the choreographic stylings of his posse.

B.B. 4-way for women's title. Evening gown match. I'm ready to puke. Here, this is what needs done. 4-way for the championship. Tuxedo match. Taker, Test, Shawn Stasiak, and Kane- owners of 4 sets of the best butt cheeks in wrestling. If you need an alternate, use Val Venis or Billy Gunn. Last one still attired wins, as does the whole female contingent . And, I will have some revenge on the boys I watch wrestling with. It still surprises them when I don't want to come aboard the Ho Train. No thanks, I'll just stay at the station.

Tori- thanks for skanktifying Kane's entrance. I have no problem with Kane having a woman by his side, just not one from the Silicone Hooter Stable. A woman who is strong, independent, and knows better than to interfere with a match- yes. A bimbo that's nothing but eye candy- no. Especially one that slides up and down the wrestler suggestively when his pyros go off. That only should be done if you have "The Humpty Dance" by Digital Underground as an entrance theme.

Big Slow, Viscera (the new mack daddy of the WWF), Bossman, and the revelation that Wight's dead daddy wasn't his real daddy. Don't care. Damn, Traylor, if this is all they can do to your character, just hang it up and relive the good ol' days of Hulkamania and when the WWF still had the gold logo. Take a page from Sgt. Slaughter.

Rock 'n' Sock vs. Al and JERICHO! I still like this guy. And, a brawl ensues.

****11-29-99

RAW is coming at you live from Los Angeles, CA and at the Staples Center.

Tonight's supposed to be the big hitchin' between Stephanie and Andrew. And, they have advertised this thing big time. Hell, they even had an ad in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. This is too sweet, but as mentioned on a discussion group I belong to, it's better than puppies or kitties. And, I'll agree with that. But, I don't think this is going to go off without a hitch. I see DX getting involved somehow.

And, it's rumored that the big guy is supposed to show up tonight. Maybe he'll stop this wedding, if the dark wedding he had with Stephanie will legally hold up in California. I miss the big goof. There needs to be a 12-step program for those suffering from Taker Withdrawal. And, you know you're suffering when you buy Cigar Aficionado, and you don't even regularly smoke cigars, just because he's on the cover.

Well, now that my little commentary is over, let's get on with the show...

Ahh- how sweet: here comes Tori with her Kaney-Bear and wearing matching outfits. And, fuckin' thanks, Tori: now I can't watch his very cool entrance the same way again. Maybe you and Terri should reform PMS, since you're copying some of her moves. And, I heard that Tori and Test are dating in real life. So, maybe this is her revenge on him for this whole angle with Stephanie.

And, Viscera's got new duds, with some really spiffy V's on them. Still PVC, which comes in handy, especially if you dig into your food a little too greedily at Shoney's.

And, Tori gets kicked and spit on. Dammit, Kane, this girl's nothing but trouble. And, be glad he didn't kick her new hooters, or else the first ten rows would have been sprayed with saline.

A recap of Test and Stephie's tumultuous road to the altar. Do I feel like losing my lunch- yes. Think happy thoughts- Taker with Ray-Bans and biker attire, Harleys, Death Valley, Phony Tough, Crazy Brave. :-) OK- it passed.

King finally in something other than that God-awful jacket and tights. Lookin' good, Jerry. Mr. Blackwell can sleep soundly tonight.

DX- hittin' the ff-wrd button. And, Vince- more ff-wrding.

Al Snow hates the Rock.

Matt Hardy and Edge. Now this is a match I can get used to. Now, these guys can mix it up. Matt, Jeff- just ditch Terri.

Stephanie's bachelorette party. I've seen funerals more lively than this. Where's the firewater, the tequila? Ooh- beer: I'm impressed. Where's the bar? You're in Vegas- get the hell out on the town!

Chyna: I like this new angle. She's much better at this. And, here comes Chris. Chris is hellish good at playing the heel. It's so over the top that it comes off as funny.

Ho Train- don't care. Steve Blackman- nice abs, don't care. And, you see that they no longer give him the mic after his disastrous first attempt (yelling at Terry Taylor instead of at the camera).

The Acolytes and Dudley Boyz: major Bradshaw marking out moment. I love these guys. Is it just me, or are the Acolytes the most entertaining guys in the WWF?

Al Snow wanting to be part of the Rock and Sock.

Well, if I haven't lost my lunch yet, it's coming up. And, Hardcore Holly is entertaining on the mic as always. Every time I see Fatu, visions of Yokozuna keep dancing through my head. At least Yokozuna had enough decorum to cover that shit up. And, I doubt you know fear until you see Fatu ass coming down towards your face.

A male stripper wearing Hilfiger boxers, no less. Well, it ain't the Chippendales. Well after what Stephanie has seen what Andrew's packin', I doubt she cares. And, is she saw the WWF Anaconda, she'd be in a completely catatonic state. Dumb girl- she had her chance... :-)

HHH and Test. Test wins after HHH has the cards stacked against him. But, I ain't gonna be happy until I see purple briefs again.

T&A- fast-forwarding. When do the women get a chance to see some meat? And, a tuxedo match between the two announcers isn't cutting it. Here, I'll book you one hell of a tuxedo match: Taker vs. Test. Loser is stripped to a g-string. *WEG*

Val and Kurt. Val jobs to Kurt, with Bulldog interference. Who books this shit?

Rock, Al, and Mick: someone doesn't look too happy...

Kane, Rock and Sock vs. NAO and Pac. Good, Kaney left his gal backstage. Al Snow needs to help Mick. Al runs into help, and gets them DQ'ed. I can see this now: Mick will have to choose between Al and Rock.

More poker with Bradshaw and Faarooq.

The wedding party: boys, you're lookin' good.

Back to the poker/ brawl.

And, the wedding begins. No Taker in sight- damn! Well, at least the boys are looking really good in their tuxes. And, leave it to Mae to kiss the last guy who'd ever consider her. One thing you have to give this is that Stephanie's gown is beautiful. At least she doesn't look like a meringue. Andrew seems to be thinking, "I better get a bonus for this." Sappy song time, but it's actually quite nice. And, I like those signs begging Test to not go through with it. Well, the vows have begun and the "speak now" part.

And, as predicted, someone from DX (HHH) interrupts with a video. We're cruising through Vegas with HHH. We get a tour of some porn sites and motels. We see the Little White Wedding Chapel and HHH pulls in. OHMIGOD- HHH's gonna marry Stephanie! Well, Vince, meet your new son-in-law, Hunter Hearst Helmsley. Now, that even beats the big lug coming down to claim her has his unholy wife. Of course that is one angle we all would like to forget.

****11-15-99

Warning: this RAW Rant 'o' Rama might be a little more acidic than what you're accustomed to. Reason: I'm still pissed about the Steelers game. That was the worse fuckin' game I have seen. That shitfest even beat out when O'Donnell choked at the Super Bowl (or was paid off, depending on your theory). I, along with most of the Steelers fans, want Kordell's ass demoted and Gonzalez put in his place. And, we don't like the new Billy Cowher. I want to see him cussing up a storm on the sidelines. I want to know how pissed Billy is by how much his chin juts out. Any way you look at it, it's fuckin' pathetic...

Well, now that I feel better after getting all that non-wrestling related stuff off my chest, let's get on with the show. Tonight, RAW's coming live from Pittsburgh- home of my favorite sports teams, the Clarks, Primanti's, and the Clark Bar. And, a Lemieux 3:16 sign: damn straight!

And, what a way to start off the festivities: DX. But, HHH has to start a bitchfest. Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch!

Hmm- mystery Town Car driver. Sounds like the mystery Hummer driver from a rival organization.

And, Vince brings out the pigs to interview DX.

There's one of my boys- Mick Foley. I love him! And, I knew our Steeler misfortune would come up somewhere.

Is it just me or does X-Pac look like he should be in a sandbox instead of the ring?

I'm so glad Luna's back. She's awesome. I wonder if she shot and stuffed that squirrel herself?

The Godfather has some new duds- much better. It's better to be understated than over the top. And, Kurt Angle- Olympic wrestler, sportscaster, pro wrestler. You know you're a heel when you get booed in your own hometown. Kurt's the winner, after Godfather's distracted by someone carrying a sign. You know that guy was a plant. It also kinda reminds you of that Dustin Runnels' born-again Christian angle when he denounced the WWF.

The finger of suspicion is now pointed at Vince.

And, here comes our role model- Jericho. From the look on his face, methinks he lost to Chyna. Here comes Gangrel and LUNA! This is the way it should be. My God- they even walk the same. And, here comes Chyna and Mini-Me to rub the salt into the wound. I like this Chyna much better. Man, Gangrel has gotten good. And, Jericho is gonna snap. Good boy- you've been watching Shammy on video.

Vince wielding a little booking power. And, the Stooges telling a little more than they should.

The Acolytes: better as bar-hopping, ass-kickers than Hell's Henchmen. And, since I'm a Bradshaw mark, I love this. We have some indy wrestlers getting the hell kicked out of them. And, JR, this is Pittsburgh, not Detroit. And, after commercial break, we have some more ass-kicking. Man, Bradshaw is definitely worth marking out over tonight.

Big Show- Champion? Wow, this untalented guy really got one hell of a push. What about Kane? Maybe you could make good and give him the 2nd reign that he deserves that lasts more than 23 hours.

OHMIGOD- Bulldog must've pissed his pants! First, I see the jeans tucked into the boots, then the big ol' piss stain. Well, ya gotta go, ya gotta go, I guess. Of course, the big boys and girls have mastered something called "self-control". And, Big Show gets to use his one move of death- the chokeslam. And, everyone and their grandfather gets one.

(credit- Lords of Pain)

The Rock dissing on the cops- classic! I love this guy.

Road Doggie Dogg vs. Al Snow. At least Al's keeping the spirit of the J.O.B. squad alive. Poor Al loses and is upset, and Mick comes down to cheer him up. He's a jolly good fellow- and has cute dimples to boot. :-) These two are the cutest guys. They're going to Vegas.

JR, we all know SCSA was hit by a car. You know how we know? You've told us umpteenth times already.

X-Pac dissing on Tori to set Kane up. This is the first and last time I'm jealous of Tori. I'd love to give him a hug.

Yep, Jericho's snapped. Maybe this guy will finally get over. This guy's gone psycho. I think he's second in line for the mega-heel.

Test vs. Billy Gunn. And, they give up a close-up of the Allegheny Mountains- wait, that's just Test's arm. Bad skin or 'roid bumps- you make the call. And, the big wedding is November 29th. I can see Taker running (or limping) down the ramp saying, "Yew git away from her- she's mine." Someone's gotta break up this sappy shit and, someone, please come and save us.

Who wants to bet Ahnauld hasn't watched a lick of wrestling?

And, of course, some shit has to throw something at the camera. HHH vs. Kane. I wonder why Tori never escorts him to the ring? Well, Kane gets DQ'ed and HHH gets chokeslammed.

Rock vs. Bossman: can't blame Dwayne for not fighting the mid-carders. Bubba wins but everyone is treated to Rock bottoms all-around.

Also, did anyone watch A&E and the Steve Austin bio? He's getting hitched -again- to Debra McMichael. His 3rd, her 2nd. I hope 3rd time's a charm for him. That, and he has one hell of a prenup written. The last wife took him to the cleaners.

****11-08-99

First, I'd like to thank the assholes who thought it was a great idea to have a fire drill for my building when it was close to freezing outside and most of us were in shorts. And, I would also like them for taking their sweet time to get the damn alarm shut off. If you pull shit like that, it better be a damn inferno. That whole experience was so fuckin' pleasant, especially since I have a cold. And, I'd like to further thank the assholes for making me miss the first 15 minutes of RAW. I don't know what went on, so let's start at the first match I was able to see.

RAW's coming at you tonight from State College, PA. My home state and the home to the best damn college team around- the Nittany Lions. I'm a closet Nittany Lion fan since I go to a rival school, name withheld because our team sucks donkey dick.

NAO vs. Al and Mick for the tag team belts. Well, as with wrestling as of late, you have to have a screwjob. And, Mick and Al lost the belts. And, I have to see HHH's ass afterwards. So far, I'm not happy.

Godfather and Val Venis. Horndogs, get ready to start whacking off- here's the Ho Train. Val doesn't want the hos, but he wants to get him some of Godfather. Mick comes down, and Val's counted out.

And, they announce that Big Show's already dead daddy died yet again. Tasteless angle, don't care for it. But, I wonder if this will make him a killer, like Taker tried to do?

Stephanie and Andrew's wedding- gag me. Sappy, sappy, sappy. Next!

Lillian announces that Big Show's already dead daddy died again this weekend. And, here comes Bossman to interrupt the bell tolling and read his sympathy card. I'm telling you what, this guy is over as a heel big time. But, this shit's over the top. Unfortunately, this guy sucks so bad that they had to pull out the big guns to get him over.

Kurt Angle- they're calling him the real athlete in the WWF. Sounds like they're gonna put him in a snobbish, know-it-all angle. This has some echoes of the Real Man's Man (hahaha)- Steve Regal. And, maybe Curt Hennig when he was in the WWF under the "Mr. Perfect" deal.

Edge/ Christian and Headbangers vs. Bulldog and MSP. Damn, don't fuck with the Nittany Lions fans after that upset. These guys sure know how to develop heat. Guys- just try to avoid the wrestling marks; they might kick the shit out of you. And, my boys (Christian and Co.). Here comes the ever-reliable refs to break up the battle.

Vince giving DX hell. Vince warns DX. Ooh- I know I'd be scared, especially with Pat Patterson backing him up...

Jericho at Beaver Stadium at PSU. Jericho pondering the IC title situation with Chyna.

X-Pac vs. the Rock. Rock's been voted the sexiest wrestler. Well, he's no Taker, but I can think of worse. And, you know he's gonna rev this sumbitch up. And, they didn't censor "piss" out tonight. And, sure as shit, the ref gets knocked out. Hebner's the king of looking groggy after being hit. And, it's face rape time. But, the Rock got pissed and Rock-bottomed him. You didn't think they'd let Rock job to Pac, did you?

After DX hits the ring, here comes Vince. Vince makes HHH defend the championship against Test tonight, with Shane as a guest ref and Vince as timekeeper. And, no interference by DX or Test gets the strap. HHH gets a Rock Bottom and a People's Elbow.

DX having a bitchfest. Outthink Vince- yeah right. Good luck, guys.

Chyna and Mini-Me. Who the hell is this- holy shit: it's Stevie Richards! This guy's fuckin' hilarious! Now, that's one song I want a guy to serenade me with. I've already been seranaded with "Devil Went Down to Georgia" and "Hair of the Dog", so this would be a step up. Does this guy do parties? And Jericho has to spoil the party. Here come the reliable refs to break this one up.

Now, you know as well as I do, Test ain't gonna win this one tonight. And, if he does, he's not gonna be champion by Survivor Series. Not when they're showing ads for the 3-way Sunday.

The Acolytes bar-hopping. Get them away from Hell's Henchmen and more in line with ass-kicking bar hoppers.

Mick and Al- fucking funny! I love these two goofs. Will Wal-Mart pull all WWF merchandise now that they're being goofed on? Al Snow as a killer- give me a break. That whole Head controversy is so fucked up.

Bossman and Kane. Paybacks are a bitch, Bossman. I still can't get this Tori/ Kane deal. And, speculation on Kane's sex life. Tori looking concerned for her man. Yep, JR, Tori and Kane have a lot in common. I bet Kane likes to get naked and write words all over his body, while being videotaped in soft focus, just like Tori. Actually, I'd like to see it; hell, I'd pay good money to see that. And, I'd sell my beloved stereo to see his big bro, Taker, in that position. *WEG* And, Kane gets double-teamed.

More bar scenes. Bradshaw was hitting on some guy's girlfriend. I feel a brawl coming on...

Yes, RD, Vince can't all outsmart you. A monkey could outsmart all of you guys. You're not exactly Einsteins.

OH FUCK- TOO SHITTY! And, these bastards have to hit the mic. If I was there, I would have speared these guys out of their boots already. And, here comes the Feudin' Holly Cousins. Too Shitty at Survivor Series: reason 2 for not getting it. The first is NO DEAD LUG = NO PPV. And, the Hollys win.

Guys- don't fuck with the Acolytes. Fake rasslers- them's fighting words. Kick their asses, Bradshaw; Faarooq. And, damn, here we go! Kick their asses and take their names. Bradshaw gets the girl; I wonder how the wife feels about that? Plus, add insult to injury- the Golden Gophers beat them. My invitation's still out for you two to go bar-hopping next time you're in the 'Burgh. :-) Damn, I'm such a Bradshaw mark, and a shameless one at that. Hey, I like big, strong, tall, Texans with accents and there's two prime examples of how God blessed Texas in the WWF: Bradshaw and my main boy, the Undertaker. Mmm, mmm, good...

Our main event, or lack thereof: Test vs. HHH for the strap. Andrew, sweetie, where's those purple briefs? It seems like he forgot about those after Bossman gave the ladies a thrill of Andrew Ass. DX kidnapped Stephanie and, as a result of a countout, HHH wins. DX and Stephanie are gone. This reminds me of a little angle over at WCW involving Torrie and the Revolution. And, speaking of WCW, thanks to Russo and his cronies for making it into RAW Lite. Now, I have no place to get my wrestling fix.

And, I'm gonna wrap this up with a little message. If any of you reading this started to love wrestling because it's popular, I have one thing to say: get over it! Wrestling's turned to shit, and I want fucking front-row tickets at decent prices. I want to see the Big Evil guy at least once close-up. Go buy some Pokemons or something.

****11-1-99

How many weeks have I been suffering from Taker Withdrawal? 6 weeks, mes amis.

When's the big, dead lug coming back? Who the hell knows? But, if he's still limping and shit when he does come back, I'm gonna be more pissed than when Kordell fucks up a Steeler game.

Am I kicking myself in the ass for not making the 6-hour trek across the state to Exton for the signing to see him? You fuckin' betcha. And, dammit, I think the 'stache is coming back. Of course, I would have gone completely mute when I saw him, making a jackass out of myself.

RAW is coming at you from D.C. Only thing I can say about his place is that it's hotter than hell in the summer and home of Lewinskygate. But, the Smithsonian's pretty impressive, so at least not all our tax dollars are being pissed away.

Can you say over? And they don't get more over than the Rock. I'm believing in what he's preaching. Give this man the mic and let him go. And, we're treated to a rendition of Smackdown Hotel. Can this man do no wrong? I don't think so. Road Dogg comes down and gets the smackdown laid upon him by the Rock, until the rest of DX comes out. Vince comes down and gives them hell, along with the ever-reliable refs. They might as well follow Stevie's lead and stay in the back and break out the Natty Light. They sure as hell are inefficient when it comes to breaking up fights.

When we come back, Vince is playing the booking fairy, and makes the dreams of DX come true.

I'm starting to like the Big Show, ever since he smashed Prince Albert and Bubba in a car. Cole is interviewing a now-beardless Show, and Bubba and Albert throw some tear gas into the room. And, we're treated to a close up of Show foot.

Edge and Christian/ Hardy Boyz vs. Too Shitty for Words/ the Feudin' Holly Cousins: Damn, the Hardy Boyz look like supermodels compared to Too Shitty for Words. Any dogging I've done regarding Matt and Jeff's attire: I take it back. Too Shitty are doing a shitty impression of Lenny and Lodi, with the attire from the Filthy Animals' yard sale. And, Edge gets the pin for the win.

X-Pac's interview and Tori interrupts. Pac, how would you know the extent of the burning down there? And, it seems that Pac might have some penis envy. I think he's jealous that Kane picked Tori over him.

Tori and Kane romantically linked- excuse me while I go puke. At least she's a step up from what your big bro took to the De La Hoya - Trinidad match. Oh! (said with the proper homage to Sam Kinison)

Snow and Foley- another two guys who can't do any wrong. And, I'm not the only one pleading for Dennis to cover up. I can't wait to dig into his book this weekend. So, be looking for a review in one of the future rants.

JR, when you see people bringing shit to the ring, especially when they're known to wrestle hardcore matches, it's for a hardcore match. I love Snow- he's back to his old self again. Hopefully, we can put that whole dog thing behind us now and move on. Fuzzy Wuzzy- bwahahahahaha! And, we have a tag match with Mick and Al vs. Bubba and Fuzzy Wuzzy. And, my boys win this one.

Did Mick say shit? My, how did that one get past the censors?

Finally- Chyna's got her own music. And, I don't want to know what the hell's up with this "master and slave" shit. I only have one thing going through my mind -S&M. And, we have Stevie as Jericho. Damn, he has it down pat.

Dogg, sorry but Droz can only carry off a hat like that one.

I'm not a SCSA fan, but I liked that hunting segment from Smackdown. One of the most creative things he's done in a long time- oh hell, I'll just say it: EVER.

SCSA vs. Billy Gunn: Oh, it's great to see him fighting a mid-carder. But, I still have to fast-forward through his interviews. Heard one of them, you've heard them all. DX comes in for the save, but I doubt Steve cares, since he has his Natty Light and his chair.

Stephanie doing color commentary for the Val Venis/ Test match- spare me! Test- I want the briefs back again. This whole Diesel looking thing's gotta go. Stephanie's hitting the mic. This lovey-dovey's shit has gotta go. Sorry, but I can't get into this.

Kane vs. Pac: So, where's your gal Tori? Pac really is trying to trash-talking tonight, but he's just not there yet. I guess he's had too much time as a face, even though he got a few good jabs in. And, here comes DX to bust up on Kane. And, Pac's enjoying that face raping more than any man should. Big Red Virgin- that's a new one. Pac- there's only one tongue that I want to see, and the guy possessing it's taking time off.

Kurt Angle- I guess they're prepping us for his WWF debut. This guy gets around: Olympic champion, WWF wrestler, Fox 53 Pittsburgh sportscaster. Yes, I'm serious about the last one. When Fox 53's newscast started up, he was right there with Alby Oxenreiter.

And, Kane going apeshit on DX. And, everyone's in an uproar. Shane and HHH for the strap: what-fucking-ever.

Dudleys and Headbangers: Headbangers wing, and here comes the rejects from the Gap.

And, our star-studded finale, featuring SCSA, Rock, DX, and Kane and HHH vs. Shane for the championship. And, Vince causes Shane to lose by inadvertently hitting him with the belt.

****10-25-99

Well, at least the show started off a little differently- no Stone Cold pacing, drinking beer, drinking coffee, putting on his knee brace, coming in, leaving the arena, heading to the bathroom for a piss, etc. And, the NAO are demanding to be somewhere in the show tonight. So, after some booking from Vince and bitching from HHH, NAO vs. Rock and Austin is made for the night.

We also have Godfather looking for the T&A Brigade, and he finds them with Mark Henry. I'm still not getting this angle where women voluntarily have sex with him.

First Match: Godfather (with Mark Henry and the T&A Brigade) vs. Viscera (with Mideon).

HOLY SHIT! That's some ugly, and I don't mean Viscera. Mr. Blackwell would have a heart attack from seeing this fashion atrocity. This is the last thing I need to see in a week at the good old U. that has been a bitch. Damn, and I thought the big eyeball on the gut deal was bad. Dennis, sweetie, whoever's dressing you deserves a good thrashing.

(credit: Lyn's WWF Snapshots)

And, Viscera wants to be getting some ho's. You know that something's lacking when Mabel gets to hit the mic. Mark Henry turns on the Godfather and I'm going blind because of Mideon's latest get-up. Viscera wins and gut splashes the hos who stay loyal to the Godfather.

The Feudin' Holly Cousins vs. Edge and Christian. Scott Taylor and Jerry's Kid have to ruin the match. And, is this new Filthy Animals look supposed to make them look cool? I still can't forget them in pink helmets and riding to the ring courtesy of the Harris Bros. (note to WWF: I want D.O.A. back...) With a past like that, nice try on the new gimmick. And, the Hardys come out to help Edge and Christian.

Moolah is retiring from wrestling and giving up her belt. And, Ivory comes out and does her best HHH impression with the bitching. Ivory gets the 3-count and regains the belt. Shit, the Women's Division is pitiful.

Shit, is this the only thing they can do to put Wight over? What in the hell happened to the whole killer thing with Taker (damn, I miss the big dead goof)? Well, now that the Big Show has gone soft again and showed emotion, I guess that's all over. And, he's facing Prince Albert. Bubba starts some shit up, and Albert was in on it. I really don't like this whole angle. They've gone from animal cruelty to women's abuse to mental abuse.

Mixed Tag Team: Jericho and "Dancin'" Stevie (posing as a female member of the audience) vs. D-Lo and Chyna (with Mini-Me). Chyna and D-Lo win after Stevie was disrobed.

A promo slipped in for Mick's new book. I still have yet to read it, even though I bought it already.

Mick and HHH for the title. And, Val interferes, just as Mick was to win. And, Al Snow comes down for the save.

Stevie's talking- hitting the fast-forward button.

Stephie's talking, so let the fast-forwarding commence. I know it was something loving towards Andrew, judging by the googly-eyes.

Wow's Kaney's cutting an interview. And, he's resorting back to the cancer kazoo. Hell, I can still understand him better than I can Stone Cold. Plus, what in the hell's all this shit with Tori and Kane? You know they're probably aligned somehow, because Tori was wearing red and black, just like Kane. I had so much respect for her, until she started wrestling in a g-string.

And, here come the Dudleys. Buh-Buh Ray's picking on Kaney with the kazoo. I still find these guys entertaining on the mic. I heard they really, really ripped up the crowd in ECW. Too bad they don't get to do that in the WWF. At least they didn't go the way of Public Enemy.

Steel Cage Match: Bulldog vs. Test. Damn, I marked out big time during this match. Test landed an elbow drop for the top. And, damn, Shane's the shit. That was a good 10 ft. or so from the top of the ring to the mat, and the boy fuckin' flew through the air into the Mean Street Posse. That boy has some guts. And, Stephanie has a new pair of shoes. Wow- what a magical evening.

The Acolytes bar-hopping. I am really liking this. And, Bradshaw in jeans and a t-shirt: yes! I'm such a Bradshaw mark, anyone out there one? *listening to crickets chirping* Well, at least I'm woman enough to admit it. Now, if he's just cut the hair. These guys know how to have fun; this was one of the best spots on RAW in a long, long time. Also, I'd like to extend an invite to Bradshaw and Farrooq- next time you're in the vicinity of the 'Burgh, look me up and we'll hit Jocko's, the bar on Rte. 982 that makes the bar on RAW look like Romper Room, especially on Saturday nights. :-) You could probably tape one hell of a spot there.

NAO vs. Rock and Stone Cold. If you don't believe that's Austin's no longer top dog, at least in the fan's eyes, just listen for the ovations he and Rocky get. And, check out all the Rock signage. It's nice to see Austin and the Rock fighting a couple mid-card wresters. This is the shit the WWF needs. Another mark-out moment: D-X has reformed. About damn time...

****10-11-99

Tonight RAW has invaded Turnerland- The Georgia Dome, to be exact. Hey- while you guys are down there, can you kidnap a few of the guys and bring them to the Promised Land? Bring Bret home, and bring Benoit with him. And, maybe bring Little Bret (Kidman) with them. Bring Bryan Adams, find Brian Lee (wherever he is now) and reform D.O.A. Maybe bring Sid, too. And, if there's any room left, maybe Nash and Hall. But leave Hogan and the rest of the Geezer Patrol- Russo will chew them up and spit them out. And, leave Austin there, along with Bossman, Mideon, and Viscera. Well, now that I have that out of my system, let's get on with the show.

First of all, R.I.P. Gorilla. That was a nice tribute to him. And, my thoughts and prayers are with Droz, also.

And, of course, they have to start off with Vince. I still can't forgive him for the whole CM crap. Oh yes, get on my bad side 30 seconds into the show- here comes Stone Cold. Yada, mudhole, yada, ass. Yada, yada, yada, asshole. This guy is too predictable, even though he mixed it up a bit- he said "punk".

Here is HHH wearing his only shirt. Poor man- probably makes close to a mil, maybe more, and can only afford this shirt and his Zakk Wylde Black Label Society one. Yada, yada, "I am the game", yada, yada.

J.R. hits HHH with a fan, and we have a mixed tag match made for the night: SCSA/ J.R. and Chyna/ HHH. Wow- can't wait for this one.

BA and Crash Holly. Big PPV extravaganza my ass. No matter what J.R. says, this one will suck like the last one. BA wins and Hardcore comes in wielding a scale.

Stephie cries, Moolah kicks the shit out of Ivory, Bulldog and Venis kick the shit out of Mick, and Mark Henry, the self-professed sex addict, shows up. Now this is a high quality show right there, right? This sounds more like "Days of Our Lives" than a wrestling program.

Edge and Christian- now we're talkin'. Get your bad selves down to the ring. I hope that they don't win this tournament. I don't want to see Terri and her skanky self managing these two. Maybe the New Brood could actually use her services- any escort to the ring besides the Tick is a step up.

The Rock's little parodies of Flair, Savage, and Hogan were pretty good. We have a tag team match tonight with the Rock 'n' Sock Connection and Val/ Davey Boy.

X-Pac and Faarooq. After Kaney tries to keep his little buddy from getting killed X-Pac starts bitching at him. I advise Kaney to find a new buddy and next time, let X in there to get the shit kicked out of him. These two fight more than a high school couple. And, Bradshaw's getting on my bad side- he needs to cut the hair.

Jericho and Mr. Hughes vs. THE HEADBANGERS! There's another team that shouldn't have been broken up. I do miss Chaz's hair, though. Oh well, at least the Beaver Cleavage character and the yet-unseen psycho clown one can go down with the new Kevin Nash and Razor Ramon into Vince's Hall of Shame.

I guess this whole Show being a killer and being evil angle is done. And, this is a sick angle. This is worse than the "pepper steak" shit. Oh yes, this is completely fuckin' tasteful- Show's father dying of cancer.

The Godfather with at least 25 ho's- the Ogre can now die happy. And, Mark Henry's getting in on the action. I can do without this.

You have to give credit to HHH for one thing- he can do a mean J.R. impression.

Bossman and Show- anyone who beats the shit out of Bossman can win me over. And, of course, he has to use the nightstick on Wight.

And, Mick shoveling dog shit- how appropriate for a program filled to the brim with bullshit. I'd like to do a takeover of Titan and show these dumbasses what real wrestling is, and get rid of this "sport-entertainment" shit. I pray those who hopped on the bandwagon because it was the popular thing will jump off soon. If not, I might have to start pushing them off. I want to see actual wrestling again, not tons of storyline.

And, since I couldn't care less about seeing Austin again, I am not even bothering with that match. Or the next one...

****10-4-99

At least we don't start out with HHH. Instead, we get a 4-team tag match. NAO, Kane & his little buddy, Acolytes, and the Feudin' Holly Cousins. The Hollys and NAO are counted out (since when does that shit happen anymore?). And, the Acoyltes are the winners, even if Kaney had Faarooq pinned.

Highlights from Rebellion. Stephanie is smashed with a trash can by Davey Boy. Davey's currently preoccupied by the title. I'm preoccupied with the fact that he tucks his jeans into his boots. And, we also have visible sweat socks. And, Chyna comes out to challenge Davey.

Another Rock/ Mick spot: kind funny- thank the wrestling gods, because it was short: next!

Test getting weepy over Steph. Steph has amnesia. Told you this wedding shit wasn't gonna go smoothly.

Mae and Moolah beating the bejesus out of Ivory- damn, I'm proud to be a woman. These two still rock!

Terri Runnels Invitational: I don't care. Wait- here comes Edge and Christian: now I'm interested. Great hair, great bods, bitchin' wrestling skills- yeehah! I just love Matt and Jeff's little gesture as they come out of the ring 'o' fire. It seems to be sign language for: "Someone shoot us for wearing such shitty ring attire and dousing ourselves with too much water." Edge and Christian win. Them with Terri- can't see it.

HHH- NOOOOOO!!!! I can't take this tonight. Thank goodness for the Fast-forward button. Does this man only have 2 shirts? I have only seen him in the leather one and the Black Label Society one. That leather one is so versatile: he can roll up the sleeves, or leave them down; it can be unbuttoned, to show off his belt, or buttoned, just in case it gets cold. And, as a double treat, I get to see Austin doing an interview. I also can't belive that they didn't bleep "asshole" out. HHH- quityerbitchin'. And, J.R. gets clotheslined and kicked around. I can't belive they show this shit.

Oh yes, just continue to piss me off tonight- here's Cole.

JJ/ Ivory vs. Mae/ Moolah: I love seein' those two out there kickin' ass. And, Mae and Moolah win. If this angle doesn't make Jeff a major heel, nothing will.

I'm just praying this isn't another "This is Your Life" thing. I like Mick, I like Rock, I don't like to see them sucking up 15 minutes of time when it could be used for wrestling. So, I'm fast-forwarding through this sumbitch.

Davey and Chyna: After Chyna getting the upper hand, Jeff has to screw it up. Can't you damn bookers ever make a match that ends cleanly?

Dude's back- in a half-assed way. And Stevie "Dude Love" Richards is teaming with Mick to take on the Dudleys. Val's doing a little color commentary. Yep- Val's a Hair Club for Men client. It's definitely looking much thicker on top. Is this the best angle they can come up with- Val and Mankind over Rocko?

Vince demands an apology for Stephanie from the Bulldog. This little thing is another waste of time.

Rock vs. Jericho: don't care. There's gonna be interference.

The WWF's going to the shitter. The angles suck, there's no Taker, and the whole fucking program revolves around HHH, Mick, and the Rock. Hell, it's sad but I'll admit it: I enjoyed the first hour of Nitro more. They had wrestling. Actual wrestling. OK, some had a problem with selling moves, but they were still in the ring, without a mic, and not spewing out catch phrases. And, if it's true that Russo and Ferrara jumped to Turnerland, they better just improve the angles and keep the wrestling.

****9-13-99

RAW is live from Anaheim. Is it just me, or are there more signs for Rocky than Austin anymore? Austin better be watching his back...

AMEN CALAWAY!! For the second week in a row, my boy has yet to disappoint me. We have shades, we have a bandanna, we have a shirt with rolled-up sleeves and with just enough buttons undone, the roots are covered, and wearing warm-up pants (for some unnatural reason, they just work for him). I just hope the man stays out of the damn ring and just trash talks tonight. And, he and the Big Ugly are waiting for HHH. And, Undie's looking like a "G" with that pose as he leans against the wall. But, this Bad Ass Biker thing's gotta go. Bring back the supernatural shit, got it?

We have Kane having a nervous breakdown (with appropriate underlighting), and Foley still being funny as hell. It appears everyone is looking for HHH.

Do only the McMahon males know how to dress? I'm serious, blazers with intentionally rolled-up sleeves automatically take me back to the 80's. Right now, after seeing that outfit, I have a Tears for Fears song running through my head. And, oh damn, HHH has a blazer on with rolled-up sleeves and Chyna has majorily teased hair and raccoon eyes. It's 80's night. I'm sure of it. Wait- I'll play along. *runs to closet to dig up any clothing item made of spandex or with neon colors*. Damn, I can't play along. Fortunately, I've left that era behind concerning clothes. All that are left are incriminating pictures of fashion atrocities.

Now, everyone's coming down to get them some of HHH. Does Calaway has his pants tucked into his boots? Yep, it's 80's night. That's as 80's as Spuds McKenzie. But, I'm still willing to let him tombstone and pin me- for free. :-) But, as a frequent visitor to the MIPB site, I know the line starts behind JoAnne. :-)

Jeff and his bimbos- I don't give a shit.

Mick is the man! He's so damn funny. You could give this man the mic and let him roll- he fails to disappoint. He needs to teach some of these other jokers how you work the mic.

Jeff with his bimbos vs. Luna. This match is shit, because Luna could kick his ass from pillar to post. And, I'm sick of him beating up women. Not because I think that it promotes violence to women, but these women can kick his ass, given the chance.

Strap Match: D-Von Dudley vs. Faarooq. Bradshaw needs to cut his hair. And, it appears he's on the Jack Daniel's and Denny's diet, along with the Taker (and a good quarter of the WWF roster). NEXT!

At least Michael Cole has learned his role and shut his mouth. And, Undie watches Animal Planet. That Crocodile Hunter is one cool dude. Talk about crazy brave- he stands within striking distance to a large croc, and the only thing he says is "hey there, fella." I'd be more like "what the %$^& am I doing here." The Crocodile Hunter is one of the coolest shows out there.

Well, during the Davey Smith intro, you can separate the fans who actually have watched wrestling and those who are there because it's the cool thing to do. Those who are actual fans cheered, while the rest are wondering, "who's this guy?" And, it's definitely 80's night- check out that pistachio-colored suit. But, I love Davey Boy, anyway- and marked out when he showed up. Davey came back home and I wish Bret would do the same. But, after watching "Wrestling With Shadows" I can understand why.

Damn, talk about diphthongs- Bubba is the king of them. And, what a way to ensure the validity of 80's night- the appearance of Bubba. This guy has been around since I was a kid. So, that's at least 15 years of so. Another reason to look forward to Unforgiven: Al Snow's crazy-ass going after Bossman. Ray Traylor really needs to hang it up. When all you can really do is kick, kick, punch, punch, you need to hang it up. And, Al's at the top of his game tonight.

And, Stevie- WALKING! The only thing I can think of when seeing Steve in his braces is that movie "Forrest Gump." Remember the beginning with the "magic shoes"? And, why in the hell did they let him come back? I have a suggestion. He probably is unnerved because Rocky's taking his place. And, it's about fuckin' time. I'm so sick of this trash-talking, finger-flipping, static, waste of space on the WWF roster. And when will HHH stop bitching? You have your belt- so shut the hell up! And, Stevie being arrested- hmm, haven't we seen this before? Anyone up for a game of WWF takeover?

Godfather- Charles Wright seems like a cool guy, but tha Godfather is only there to cater to the testosterone crowd. But, he's got the neon- the last thing needed to validate 80's night. NEXT!

Jericho and Mr. Huge. This guy was a wrestler before, right? Must've been during my hiatus from all of this. Don't care about this- pressin' the fast-forward button.

Taker- man, take time off! This isn't doing my heart good to see Calaway out there. But, at least JR got his height right- 6'9". And, I want the old clothes back- any of them. Yes, the new streamlined outfit looked hot as hell for awhile and elicited a "hot damn" when he showed up to WrestleMania, but I hate seeing it while he's on the Jack Daniel's and Denny's diet. And, I'm sick of seeing him limp around. And, I hate seeing him clutching the area close to the Great Texas Anaconda and in obvious pain. God, October can't come fast enough, in my opinion. And, Viscera and Mideon are back "under the learnin' tree"- I just hope the Ministry isn't reforming. Well, now that I'm finally 21, I can keep a stockpile of Firewater nearby just in case. And, you may say, "If you love the Taker so much, why are you dumping on him." And, I say, " because you're hardest on the ones you love."

Tag Team Match Deja Vu- Val & D-Lo vs. "I couldn't generate heat if I walked through hell in a gasoline pair of Jockey's" Blackman and "UnSexual Cheap Chocolate" Henry. Don't care- not watching.

And, a finale to 80's night, with 3 of our participants- Chyna, HHH, and Linda. HHH a bitchin' and moanin'. And, Vince is back. Yay. I still can't forgive the man for the whole Taker angle shit that lasted 7 months. But, at least he left the yellow blazer at home. And, here comes trailer park trash to hog more of the spotlight. If the WWF ever comes to the 'Burgh at a decent date (damn you for scheduling RAW the week before my Thanksgiving Break), this boy's getting a "Duggan's 27-second bitch" sign from me. And, those who go with me will be hiding their faces from the camera.

****9-6-99

Yet again, I have a co-ranter tonight (the Ogre). And, he had the nerve to cruise into my home with an Austin shirt on. And, he had the nerve to do it for the sole purpose of riling me up. And, he has another one ready for Unforgiven/ wing-ding. Well, anyway, onto the show.

Kaney's going solo on this tag team effort. And, Mr. Whiny wants to be his partner. And, Mr. Whiny ends up whacking Kane with a sledgehammer. And, here comes the Big Evil and the Big Ugly.

The Big Evil's looking mighty stylin' tonight (look how pretty his hair is braided up- Ogre). That, in itself, made my night. That man can work a pair of jeans. And, to reassure my mother that, in fact, Mark Calaway is a Southerner, he has a belt buckle. And, judging by the size of it, he's definitely Texan (the buckle, get your mind out of the gutter; I ain't talkin' about the Great Texan Anaconda at this time). But, Calaway- TAKE SOME TIME OFF, MAN! Geez- talk about crazy brave. This guy has testicular fortitude to the nth degree.

I hated to see Jackie being beat by JJ. Not because she's a woman, but the fact that she could have beaten him up. Now, get her and Luna back into the women's division and -bingo- actual wrestling. I'm sick of seeing Tori's ass and these stupid evening gown matches.

Edge and Christian are my tag team. Screw the Acolytes and the rest of 'em. These boys are it. Yep, I'm a Bradshaw fan, but the Acolytes can't hold a candle to these guys.

Funniest part of the night: GTV with Big Ugly and Val Venis. "And they call you the Big Show?" - heh, heh. Anyone who busts on BS gets extra points from me. But, we all know who has the real Big Show, don't we ladies? And, the Lord of Hotness sends Big Ugly out to beat on Val. And, further extra bonus points by Calaway in street clothes and Ray-Bans. God Bless America and the state of Texas!

Alright, where did this Lillian chick come from and why can't you send her back? I am all for equal opportunity employment, but let me put this in as nice terms as I can muster: SHE SUCKS- KANE DOES A BETTER JOB ON THE MIC THAN SHE DOES! I'd rather see Kaney belting out the announcements than her.

Crash and Hardcore Holly- damn these guys are funny. Bob Holly is great on the mic. Seriously, they're one of the best things on RAW- the Feudin' Holly cousins.

Big Evil and Big Ugly issue a challenge to Rock and Mankind to a Barryed Alive match (just trying to recreate that drawl).

Really, I should hate the Rock, but I find him damn irrestible. And, even if he dissed on the Lord of Hotness, I still laughed.

And, another note about the Rock. I seriously think he's unseated Austin as the WWF's top dog. This man's at the top of his game right now. Let that whiny bitch Austin stay out to tape his Nash Bridges episodes and appear on awards shows. I have a feeling his time on top is over.

Hardcore women's match- what a waste. But, give major props to Ivory. The whole iron and mirror bit was great. But, the Ogre loved the whole match, the big goof. So much, in fact, he was doing the cabbage patch arm movements.

Rockabilly vs. HHH- you didn't think they'd let Rockabilly win, did you?

****8-30-99

For those of you who frequent this site (and, I thank all of you for it), you know that this is usually where you find the RAW is WAR Rant 'o' Rama and the "Marking Out Over Mark" section. But, not this week. This week, I have another thing pressing my mind regarding wrestling. Something is highly concerning me. And, that is the Undertaker.

And, I can't ignore what's going on, even if Calaway trimmed the goatee (maybe he does hit this site, because I've been complaining- and if so, hey there, Mark) and gave the ladies more tongue. Those two things provide temporary distractions and estrogen frenzies, but not long enough to ignore what's going on.

And, as of now, I couldn't give a flying fuck about what's going on with the character, story-line wise. I haven't been the biggest fan of this very dark, hella evil, mega-heel UT. At least he stopped the sacrificing and kidnapping shit. But, he's stuck with the Big Schmo (talk about a waste of money- impulse shopping at its worst), so I don't know what's worse.

Right now, I'm concerned about Mark Calaway, the man behind the Undertaker. Yes, I am concerned about a man I don't even know. But, being an Undertaker and wrestling fan for so long, he has a small place in my heart and my life. For 9 years, he has given me, along with a whole hell of a lot of other fans, so much since his arrival in the WWF. And, due to my concern, I felt the need to write this and express my opinion.

Anymore, watching RAW becomes painful at times for me. I still tune in, because I am a wrestling fan. But, the minute I see Calaway heading to the ring, I become increasingly worried. And, I understand that he's a big boy and should be able to determine when enough's enough, but I wonder: does he actually know? In a way, a lot of us put him on a pedestal above all men, but actually he is a man. He's not supernatural, even though it seems it sometimes.

The first poppings-up I can remember about Taker being injured were last year, before the infamous KOTR '98. Apparently, both Calaway and Bill Moody (Paul Bearer) were injured when they performed a skit, in which the Undertaker ransacked Bearer's "home". And, Taker broke a bone in his foot, which he wrestled on during the "Hell in the Cell". A few months later, Calaway finally took some time off and came back in Jan. 1999, with a new incarnation of the Undertaker. Originally, UT let his Ministry do the dirty work, and then he began to wrestle again. I don't think he was fully healed, but wanted to make his fans happy, because a lot of us were unhappy that our Undertaker, who was on his own for the longest time, suddenly pops up with this rag-tag bunch of mid-carders, many of whom were re-packaged.

For me, personally, I really started to notice Taker's injuries in May. He had a very noticeable limp. I still remember the casket match with the Rock in May. The vision of Calaway pausing on the steps before going into the ring is still ingrained in my memory. And, he continued to limp. It is said that he has floating bone chips in his leg, which cause him pain and numbness. And, not only that, but he is suffering through many other injuries. He has back spasms, bad knees, the problem with his ankle, and bad hips. Now, he is also suffering a pulled groin muscle. Yet, with all of these injuries, he's still out there. And, his fans have been seeing him suffer with these. At times, they aren't as noticeable, but most of the time, especially lately, they are completely noticeable. And, it's painful to watch.

Lately, Calaway has been reducing his role in the ring. Through the storyline, Paul Wight is being taught by the Undertaker. And, he has been commentating more instead of wrestling. But, it's still too much, in my opinion. And, it reached the point of concern for me on RAW 8-30-99. On that night, I saw Calaway, suffering from so many injuries, limping towards the ring. And, he didn't do too much wrestling, but when he was in the main event, I could see how in pain he was when he had to pretty much roll off the side of the ring to the floor and slowly make his way around. The only thing I felt was much concern and a tinge of aggravation, because I can obviously see that he's injured and should not be there. And, JoAnne from MIPB (a great site, BTW) said that he was obviously in pain during a house show and was having a hard time making it to the back. Yes, he's not wrestling as much, but it still worries me. Even when he's not wrestling, he still maintains a grueling schedule. The traveling from city to city and dealing with all the hassles of traveling, such as catching flights, renting cars, reserving hotel rooms, making it to the arena, etc. Even that can take a toll on you. And, doing this just to do commentary or cruise out for a few minutes during the show isn't worth it. I just hope Mark takes the time off and rests at home, surrounded by his family. He hasn't had much time off during his entire career, so it's about time. And, it is apparent that he needs it now more than ever.

All summer, there has been speculation as to when Mark's going to take time off. Most thought when he dropped the belt, he was going to take time off. And, then Fully Loaded, then Summerslam. Now, the president of his fan club now says that it's going to be after Unforgiven, which is a few weeks away. And, I don't feed into the rumors that the WWF is making him stay and work. They know he's injured, and I know that if he wanted time off, they'd give it to him. I just hope it's soon. He's limping again, and it's completely obvious. And, even if painkillers offer temporary relief, he's still causing further injury. And, on the message board of a fan club dedicated to him, news is that his injuries are very serious. And, that the reason he's put it off for so long is because the surgery is very complicated and when he has it, it means he has a 50/50 chance of wrestling again.

So, fellow Undertaker fans, he needs our support more than ever. So, let's keep him in our thoughts and prayers.

****8-16-99

The Last Rant 'o' Rama before I have to go back to school. Working toward that history degree, ya know.

Well, we start off with HHH, still on a bitchfest about losing the #1 contendership to Chyna. He calls her out and commences to talk about what a great relationship they have. Damn, isn't this like it starts out on Springer before the shit hits the fan? He calls her a bitch, she says he doesn't have the balls to fight her. But, we do have a match made for later in the night- HHH and Chyna for the contendership.

RD vs. Al Snow. Pepper peed on King- hahahaha! RD wins this one after Bubba hits Al with a nightstick. Next!

Oh, here comes my boy, with his baboon (I never thought of that one until Bradshaw said it) tag-along. Oh well. Taker then commences to tell us a story about Death Valley, Harleys, and survival. I was thouroughly entertained. Hey- next trip may I join you? He's great on the mic. We even got the Texan voice tonight. So, we get the accent. Cool, coolness to the max. And, here comes Jericho, and he commences to talk about how they're boring and how he is saving the WWF. Then, Taker tells him never to interrupt him again and that he's had more shower time than Jericho has had ring time, due to Chris' peach fuzz. Shower time, huh? There's your newest GTV segment. OK, sorry- but the chicks would be diggin' it. More like spazzing out on the floor.

Chyna vs. HHH. Chyna wins due to Mankind's interference. Mick's back- YEAH! Then, Mick talks about the sexual tension between him and Chyna, and asks for a crack at the contendership. Then, here comes HBK and grants it.

Test vs. GI Joe. Test gets whacked with a kendo stick by Shane and GI. I don't care much about this match. I already had my marking out over Taker, Mick, and Jericho. And, Test isn't gettting any of my marking out until we see the boy briefs back. But, he still has nice hair.

SCSA- who let this jackass get camera time? Do I have to start kicking ass and taking names? This is the biggest piece of trash. The second coming of Hulk Hogan. Shit, get some new material man.

Kane and his little buddy vs. Bradshaw (whooo!) and Faarooq. Kane and X-Pac win. And, I'm treated to both of my Tall Texans in this one. Life's great! Taker's hair has fluffed out a bit. Nice- very nice. Bradshaw needs a haircut. Boy, this longer hair thing's not working on you.

Bulldog's back- hot damn! I still remember this guy with cornrows. Glad he got rid of them. Davey Boy's back.

Hardcore Holly has a cousin named Crash. And, they're willing to take on BS and Taker. Boy, do these guys have a death wish. And, they commence to beat each other more senseless. I still like Holly, though. Hellish more entertaining than Jackass Austin.

Mankind and Chyna. Mankind's now the no. 1 contender. Shane then calls for a match between HHH and Mankind to determine the final contender. HBK and Shane-o-Mac are guest refs.

Billy Gunn and Rock. I don't really care- NEXT!!

Final Match. Jackass Austin. Please get this guy off my screen! What a waste of airtime. Anyhoo, it is ruled that both HHH and Mick are the #1 contender. HMM... Sounds like a certain bald ego-maniac can't job cleanly.

****8-09-99

This was one of the best RAWs I have seen in a long, long time. I haven't done that much marking out for a long, long time. No more McMahon show, very little Stone Cold, Taker Tongue, Millennium Man, fast-paced action, Jesse- everything was pretty damn good.

The Rock was at the top of his game tonight. The man had me laughing my ass off with his little speech to start the show. Weeeeelllllll- it's the Big Slow! And, he did a right-on impression of how BS growls when he's ready to do a chokeslam. And, I also liked the how he mentioned when the BS' theme hits, people know he sucks and go to take a leak. Now, there's someone in touch with the fans. And, then here comes the Taker and the BS to fight Rock. Then, X-Pac scurries down to take care of Taker (and they say Holly is not bright), and RD soon follows. Then, we get Kane, running down without lights, music , or explosions. Maybe everyone's believing in this no more scary music or entrance thing. Then, after they clear the ring, the DX music hits. Well, isn't this an interesting development...

Then, we see a big old Lincoln limo pull up, with HBK inside. I am not much of a HBK fan, but he has nice hair.

After the commercial, X-Pac gets a little randy on the mic. From what they didn't cut out, he wants a tag title match with the Acolytes tonight on RAW. Later, they accept, and also welcome the BS and Taker to take them on, too. I just hope Bradshaw's not gonna do that long hair thing- he looks much better with short hair. Hey- I'm a chick, so I notice things like this.

Christian vs. Gangrel: Great match. Lots of actual wrestling. Then, here come the Hardys. They are finally color coordinated. After Christian goes after them them, Gangrel spits the dreaded Kool-Aid of Doom into his face and gets the win. Then, Christian is trampled on until Edge comes in for the save. Then Michael Hayes comes down and gets the tar beaten out of him by the Hardys. I wonder if Gangrel is recruiting? It looks like one of the Hardys was wearing the Brood necklace. And, if Gangrel is responsible for them ditching the condiment colored shirts, then more power to him.

Then, here comes Jesse Ventura. He is interviewed by King, and the interview pretty much was about his role as ref. He also gets some good shots in on Hogan. It was kind of drawn out, thought, but who cares- It's the Body! Then HHH comes down and says the ring's his world. Then, HBK shows up and reminds HHH who brought him there. They almost get into a fight. Then, HBK says there is a 3-way match tonight between him, Austin, and Taker.

Then, JJ commits a drive by and beats up D-Lo while he's jogging. And, it's so convenient to have a camera man there to get it all on film. And, Austin shows up. Why is he always late? I swear, he's never there on time.

Val vs. JJ: Val wins this one, and JJ blames Debra. He berates her and Val comes back again. Debra leaves with Val. Didn't they try this before?

Stevie is shown at the bottom of a stairwell. Yessir- RAW's great tonight. And, they cart him off to the hospital. I don't think it's a random act of violence- he had too much to drink.

HBK comes out and announces that since Stevie is at the hospital, Chyna will take his place. HHH says she's a girl, and will get hurt, but she starts getting defensive. She accepts, and we have a match. You go, girl!!

Acolytes vs X-Pac/Kane: You know something's up when their entrances are mixed together. And, here come the Acolytes. And, we have new tag champs. And, Kane no longer uses his voice thing. He now speaks. But, what a hellish choice for his first words- "Suck It"! So, Kane is the newest member of DX. I admit, I marked out when he said his first words. Then here comes BS and the Hottie From the Darkside to crash the party. Everyone is dished up a nice bowl of whoopass.

Test/Shammy vs. Blackman/Joey: Actually, this match wasn't bad. And, I was so relieved to see Shane only doing commentary. Test gets the pin, so he and Shammy are your winners. Man, you can tell Blackman doesn't get any mic time. When you issue threats, you're supposed to look into the camera, not at the interviewer. Geez, take lessons of Taker or something. Now, there's someone who can rip up the mic.

Then, we get the Rock again, who issue a challenge to BS. Then, the clock counts down to a thunderous introduction of- JERICHO!! I totally marked out. I mean, I really marked out. Squealing and the whole bit. Great lights, great pyros, music from what sounded like Kid Rock. Our new hero, the Ayatollah of Rock and Rollah, our role model and party host. I think he's going to be great in the WWF. And, it's going to be the clash of the egos, with him and Rock. Those two will have some great matches. He's so arrogant that it's funny. JERICHO, JERICHO, JERICHO!!!

The hardcore match sucked. Give the belt to someone who can actually be hardcore.

Rock and Big Show: Paul Wight needs to stop wearing those panties. God- and I thought Billy's butt was bad- this is worse. Now, I now whose ass was 30 feet high on the Titan Tron. And, Jericho interferes, and so does Billy.

Main Event: HHH, UT, and Chyna. I figured Taker would get screwed, and he did. Anyhow, the man I hate to love to hate shows up, clocks HHH, and places Chyna on top of him to get the pin and the win. Whatsamatter- afraid HHH would beat you? And, you're no safer with Chyna, either. She can take her bumps, as she has shown tonight, and she can give them. But, I figure something will happen between now and Summerslam.

Notes:

--Why are we constantly subjected to Billy Gunn's butt? I don't want to see that thing over a foot high on my TV. And, I didn't want close-ups of BS Butt, either. Nasty, nasty, nasty...

--We have more tongue. YEEHAH!! Please trim the goatee, man. That sucker's getting pretty long...

--I don't care who fights Austin- just get the belt off of him!

--No More CM- great!!! I am glad to see that there are some actual feuds starting up...

****7-25-99

Yes, I know this is the RAW Rant 'o' Rama, but how can I ignore Heat, especially about 2 minutes of it. If you don't want some major "Marking Out Over Mark", just skip to the next paragraph. My, my, my: weren't the female fans 100% blessed? And, to think, this is the same guy who frantically tried to cover his stomach during a match (Manchester Mayhem, perhaps). All I have to say is: Taker, keep it coming!!!!! I hope that he gets a belt to put around that cute tummy soon.

Also, I have a semi- co-ranter tonight: the Ogre. His little comments and such will be appearing throughout. So, the male population will have a voice tonight.

The show starts out with Taker (what a way to begin- yippee!) beating on X-Pac. Then Road Dogg decides to attempt to play the hero, to no avail (with a shameless plugging for a sports drink). After Road Doggie Dogg was caught in the Taker Tornado sweeping through the Gund Arena, Taker continues beating on X-Pac the whole way to the ring. J.R. now calls Taker the Prince of Darkness (wow- he's making it up the chain). Now, here comes Kane, who starts at a stroll and works up to a slow jog. Since his little buddy is being beaten up pretty bad, you'd think he'd forget all the dramatics and just run down. He wallops Taker for a bit, until the Big Schmo lumbers down to the ring. They beat on Kane a bit, and shake hands. Why does Taker have to carry all the low-lifes around?

After commercial break, VinMan arrives wearing a periwinkle blue outfit, as every bad guy should.

OHMIGOD- KANE'S MOAN!! I busted out laughing, as did everyone in the house. One comment thrown out: "Where's the moose? I swear I heard a moose." (Ogre) For a minute, I thought I was watching Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom. Anyhow, Kane is last seen looking forlorn without his little buddy, as X-P-A-C is being rushed to the nearest hospital by ambulance. Love can hurt sometimes.

Next Match: Acolytes vs. Christian and Edge. Holly appoints himself guest announcer. This guy provides some comic relief that is really needed in the WWF. He definitely needs more mic time. Here comes our first team, weighing in at a buck and a quarter, including Christian's Ace bandages. Then, our second, weighing in at 2000 lbs. and the poster children for the Ab Roller. Even though I dig Bradshaw and Edge, I still laughed. Acolytes win after Edge is double-teamed, since Gangrel pulled Christian out of the ring and to the back. Then, the Acolytes double-team Holly. Kane comes down to dish out chokeslams and motions for the mic. Here we go- Shawn's hurt, Kane's hurt, Big Schmo and Taker are going to get hurt. Meanwhile, Ogre and I are laughing it up, with visions of Ned from South Park dancing through our heads.

Blackman hit Shammy with a car, and he's going to snap. Blackman looked weird in short shorts and a tank top. It just didn't look evil to me, just kind of wimpy. Of course, he can't wear his martial arts pants everywhere.

Here comes Vinnie, to issue his swan song (yeah, right). Quick quiz: what does Vinnie, an Ouija board, and too many garlic and onion wings eaten during a wing ding have in common? Answer: all of these keep coming back to haunt you. This is the part I fast-forwarded through. And, here comes Asstin, of course. Vince is sent off with a little song, and he issues a final "you're number one" salute. But, you know he'll be back. And, of course, there's beer all-around.

Street Match: Val/GF vs. Prince Albert/Droz. Is it me, or has Val joined the Hair Club for Men? It's looking thicker on top. Also, he was looking pretty styling in all black. And, Og, stop ogling the ho's and wipe the drool off your chin; I don't care that one is wearing practically nothing. Winner: Val/GF and all the fans, because we didn't have to see Prince Albert's back. I also have another reason to dislike Prince Albert- he played for the University of Pittsburgh, the arch enemy of the Mountaineers.

The Rock covered up Michael's face again- whoo! I don't mind shameless plugging, as long as it done with a little humor. So, keep piling on the Smackdown Hotel t-shirts.

HHH's Speech: I fast forwarded through the whole thing. I AM GOING BLIND!!! OGRE- DAMN YOU- YOU TOLD ME THE BUTT WAS OVER, AND IT WASN'T! What's up with Ugly Ass' new gear? Is he borrowing clothes from Chyna? Cover that up. If anyone should be showing buttage tonight, go hunt up the big, tall, Irish guy with long hair and lots of tattoos on his arms and one on his stomach. Also, during this interview, Ogre suggested something brilliant (shows you how interesting it was)- Kane's moan sounded like Chewbacca. And, another astute observation- he kind of walks like him, too. And, give Ogre about 20 shots of whiskey, and he'll offer a demonstration. At 28 (his record), he starts thinking he's the dopest guy on the dance floor and will do the cabbage patch to Britney Spears (just watch your feet).

Taker/BS vs. Kane in a handicapped tag match: There's a lot of double-teaming on this one. And, I love Taker and all, but his wrestling skills are getting bad. Of course, his bad is other wrestler's best. Mark, if you ever happen upon this page, I have a little advice-

TAKE SOME TIME OFF!!!!

You're wrestling injured, and it's been showing. Anyhow, Kane and Taker get a couple chair shots in. And, here comes RD (what's the matter, boy- didn't get enough in the back?). Kane and Road Dogg get whipped from Cleveland to the 'Burgh and back again.

I am not going into detail over more plugging for Mystery Men, featuring Jarrett and "more-silicone-than-the valley" Debra. But, boy did Pee Wee get a pop, more than Stiller. I don't care how much you plug the damn movie, I'm not spending money to see it. But, love must be blooming, because D-Lo carried Ben to the back after Jarrett clocked him (Ogre: He really could have used Warren (Mary's brother) to beat up on Jarrett). Is it me, or is there more loving going on in the WWF than a B-movie on Cinemax? Forget all these rock-twinged themes; you might as well start playing "Wind Beneath My Wings", "Endless Love", or any of those ballads from the Hair Bands of the 80's and 90's collection, "Monster Ballads" (Ogre: the one from Damn Yankees: "High Enough").

Ivory's challenge to anyone in the audience, and that anyone gets whipped on. And, here comes Tori to start a catfight. Ivory's voice is grating. Her mic skills are about as bad as The-Bimbo-Formerly-Known-As-Sable's. Bring Luna back. At least she can kick ass. Or hire that woman named Fawn Isabella. I heard she's an actual wrestler. One night, I was flipping through the channels and came upon WCW Thunder. People can complain about WCW, but at least their women's division has actual wrestling. I am sick of women's wrestling not being about wrestling, but boob jobs, big hair, and evening gown matches.

HHH and Shammy: Shammy gets beat up badly and pops in some more blood capsules. At least he makes the pain look real. Next!

Taker Interview: Kane's a pussy (UT- he now has compassion, he no longer can be heartless like you), X-Pac's going to the hospital (he should have been there by now), no more scary entrances (WHAT? I HOPE YOU MEAN KANE'S!), no more scary music (GOOD- I DON'T LIKE THE NEW ENTRANCE THEME, ANYHOW), and the days of Armageddon (NOT THAT MOVIE AGAIN!) are upon us. Okay, that's really nice and all, but somewhere in the days of Armageddon are we going to see more skin? (sorry, I couldn't resist).

OH FOR THE LOVE OF HUMANITY: NO MORE SEE-THROUGH!!!! COVER THAT UP!!! AAAHHH!! GREAT- I'M GOING TO GO FREAKING BLIND!!!!

Until next RAW (If my eyesight holds out)...

Notes:

- I don't care if you join Taker and the Big Schmo together, I still don't like him. And, let me get this right- they signed this big old Marlboro-addiced, too-small-wrestling-gear-wearing, Andre-wannabe, to a ten-year contract? Talk about stupid. This is impulse buying at its worst. This guy has no skills, whatsoever. And, why does Taker always get stuck carrying such no-talents?

-Big Schmo also needs some new ring gear. I don't want to see gelatinous butt, OK? Those wrestling panty things are creeping up his butt. By the end of this match, THE BIG SHOW is reduced to TE BG SW. That's just not right; it brings memories of Yokozuna back.

-And, why is it that the ugliest wrestlers wear the skimpiest outfits? Billy's new outfit has to go. It's not right that anyone has to be subjected to such horrors. And, that whole "sticking his hand down his crotch thing"- that was sick. If you feel the need to play with yourself, don't do it in public. And, you know the exposure of butt is hideous, if Prince Albert is looking better.

-Quote of the Night: "It's good to see PeeWee in the theatres again"- Jerry Lawler.

****7-19-99

First things first: I want to personally thank the camera men who blessed many female Undertaker fans with some glorious close-ups and such.

OK, let's get on with it...

If you don't want to see a female totally marking out over Taker, just skip the following section.

OH BABY, OH BABY, OH BABY, OH BABY!!!! HOT DAMN!!! The man was looking mighty, mighty fine tonight!!!!!! Thankfully for me, I was able to watch the first hour of RAW alone, so I could squeal and mark out to my little heart's content. This RAW was great- Taker, Taker, Taker everywhere!!! Mark is like a fine wine- he just gets better and better with age. It's crazy how the wrestler that creeped me out when I was 12, can make me mark out like this at 20, almost 21. And, Taker Tongue 1.5 (glimpse of the tongue at the beginning) and 2 (the whole enchilada)- yippee!!!! All I have to say is this- Gene Simmons has nothing on this guy! One thing I noticed, though- his roots. That makes me wish he'd go back to his original color, or something close to it.

The "Marking Out Over Mark" session is over. Now, to the nitty gritty.

The show started out- as freaking usual- with either Asstin or the CM. First up to the plate- the CM, with its cast of characters (and Taker looking mighty PO'd to with them). Vinnie has downgraded to a lighter wheelchair. It was a laborious process to get VinMan into the ring. They had to hoist the wheelchair in. Question: Why couldn't they just get him a steel chair? And, Vinnie had to limp up the stairs. And, Taker's looking agitated. The look screams, "they are a big bunch of mother $%^&*#@." Finally, he gets on the mic. Vin says that tonight is the last night SCSA would be on RAW as champ (yeah, right). But, of course, he couldn't just say that; he had to drag it out. Vin is confident that Asstin will lose that he guarantees that Asstin will lose. (WTF?) Vinnie says his career is on the line. I thought that the briefcase match was last PPV. Vin also says Taker's Career is on the line. Taker says no one threatens him (and he gets some pops). The Hell with business. He's doing it for himself, not Vinnie. (*sniff* Our Old Taker's Back...) Vince threatens him (he made him, signs his checks), and Taker gets in his face. Then, HHH takes some time to score major brownie points with the boss. A match is made: 3H and Taker. Whoever wins faces Stevie at Fully Loaded, and the loser goes after Rock. And, here comes our piece of trash, Stevie, in a blood mobile and drinking, no less. He climbs on top (breaking the windshield in the process). Says he's locking UT in the blood mobile and taking Vin's blood. Now, wouldn't that be vice-versa? Shouldn't Vinnie be locked in it, because that is where they keep the equipment to draw blood. But, since the marks in the audience and at home are too busy flipping off their hero, this little thing goes unnoticed.

After some kissing up by 3H, we are treated to a Dogg Pound match involving R.D. and Chyna. C. is hesitating to put on the collar. R.D. says that she and 3H are kinky and should be used to it and all dogs should be collared. That was some good trash-talking. BA interferes. As R.D. is being choked, X-Pac comes down for the save. Next.

Mean St. Posse: Shane calls out his sister. We see Stephie with her Andrew, who is trying to stop her. Shane blames everything on Test. He also tries to hook her up with Joey Abs. Joey tries some sweet-talking, but she slaps him. This whole big brother trying to control his little sister's life sounds familiar... (Kenny and Ryan Shamrock, perhaps?) Also, don't tell me Joey Abs is Greenwich born and bred. The dude has a Southern accent. It is subtle, but it is there.

4-way for Tag Team Championship: (Droz and the Gorilla Man), (Val and Godfather- I heard he's getting another gimmick: another Papa Shango thing), Acolytes, and the Hardy Boyz. Nothing much here to note. The first team out was (Droz-Albert), followed by Acolytes and (Val-GF). Your Winner: Hardy Boyz.

G-TV segment with Ben Stiller. Shameless plugging about a movie I'm not going to see July 30th (likely, I'll be heading to see the Blair Witch Project). Enough about Debra's puppies, dammit! I blame Road Dogg for this whole thing, because he coined the phrase. One of the best signs I saw last night- MY PUPPIES ARE REAL. Whoever had it made sure it was right behind Deb.

JJ (with his bleached-blond, more plastic than a Barbie, escort) vs. Christian. This is an IC title match. So, I wonder who is going to have to job? Maybe Christian. At least he got to use some good wrestling skills before he lost. And, we were treated to a bloodbath. I hope that "blood" doesn't stain, or else JJ is screwed. He will be having that Red Rooster-type color all over his hair.

Rock vs. UA (Ugly Ass): they fight inside and outside the ring. What has happened to wrestling? I remember the old days when a 10-count was a 10-count, and DQs were DQs. UA wins with the help of Chyna. Also, what is up with Rockabilly's beads. He looks like one of those teenagers down at the Isle of MTV with those. Maybe he was there- dancing to Ricky Martin's "Livin' La Vida Loca", no less. And, what was up with wearing a pair of bib overalls, and having one side unfastened? That fad is completely over. I remember that during the New Kids reign of glory. Billy, you look like a jackass. I know you want the early 90's to come back, judging on your attire, but it's not gonna happen. Get over it.

We are graced with more 3H butt kissing. How far is your nose up his butt, eh, Hunter?

Al Snow vs. Big Bossman- Al's hearing voices, and pleads for Bubba to beat on him. So, BB cuffs him and beats him. I want Foley back. The Hardcore division has gone down the crapper without him. Al's funny and all, but this is getting ridiculous. He needs to be in some legit matches.

Another "Marking Out Over Mark" Moment: Taker in the darkened locker room, running his fingers through his hair. Wait- I'll do it for you... :-) I like this better, than when they bathe him in blue light and he does the eye thing (that would be a great ability to have at parties to freak out the drunks- better than a laser pointer).

Edge and D' Lo vs. Gangrel and Mideon: Not much to say about this one, except D' Lo and Edge are showing major skills. Also, I liked the crawling competition between Edge and Mideon. It reminded me of that "I Love Lucy" episode with Harpo Marx. The one where Lucy is dressed as Harpo and they mimic each other's movements. Also, Gangrel's eyeliner always goes down south. Maybe he should get some waterproof stuff.

Test vs. GI Joe (Blackman): GI beats Test down. Once Test gets the upper hand, the MSP arrives. Shammy soon arrives with a Louisville Slugger. I guess they are trying to push Blackman. Hell, he just needs one really good shove- out the door. If they can get this guy really over with the crowd, then the WWF staff are miracle workers.

Taker leaving locker room. Yes, it appears his hair has been cut. It looks good. It's good to get the dead ends cut off.

Big Shot and Show vs. X-Pac and Kane: X-Pac sends Kane back, but Kane and B. Show begin to fight. The Big Shot takes care of X-Pac and leaves to help B. Show. Then, Taker comes down to retrieve his little bro, and chokeslams X-Pac. He also wallops the two BSs and begins to leave, Kane in tow. Then, Kane goes back to his little Degenerate buddy, who's hurting, and Taker follows. Kane sees UT chokeslam X-Pac on the Titan Tron. After UT realizes he's busted, and tries to explain, Kane goes Medieval on his brother. K. chokeslams UT, and gets that "who's your daddy" attitude. Then, he hugs X-Pac, as they walk up the ramp. They're together again- how sweet. Well, now they can't market Kane as a monster anymore, can they? I was waiting for them to strike up some sappy song.

Taker vs. HHH: They fight, and Taker is showing some skills. Eventually, here comes Asstin. He brawls with UT though the crowd and stuffs UT into the Blood Mobile, which is now smelling of Coors Light by now. Stevie goes after Vinnie and makes him bleed. The Drunk begins to celebrate and Taker spoils it (you go, boy). He cuts Steve open with a can, wipes some of the blood on himself (the blood probably was 100 proof). Then, Taker Tongue, the sequel. And, I learned I taped over TT1, but TT2 was better. *WEG* But, RAW had a splendid ending- Taker towering over 2 of the biggest jackasses in our sport.

Observations:

----I definitely think our old Taker is back!!! *dancing around joyfully*

----Also, was Mideon patterned after Road Dogg, at least clothing-wise? Mideon's gear looks like a darker version of R.D.'s.

Quote of the Night: This wasn't used on RAW, but I heard it on my local radio station. Two of the deejays were talking about RAW that night. One asked why Vince had a wheelchair. The other one said, "because he's a candyass."

****7-12-99

Well, RAW started off with who else- Stoned Cold. And, yet again, he had a perfect score on my predictability scale. He did his usual, except drink (glad I didn't make a prediction for that). Maybe that was because Stevie became a little drunk during the HeAT dark matches. Eyewitnesses (reliability is a question, but the story is entertaining) have said that Stoned Cold was a little tipsy and making a bigger jackass out of himself than usual. And, you can't have Stevie out there without - who else - Vinnie. Vinnie in his "Evil Mastermind" wheelchair. Stevie wanted Vinnie to sign a contract. Then, Kane's music started, but no Kane. But, there was Taker, with an expression that screamed, "How much more of this s*** do I have to take with Austin?" Well, he busted Stevie open and drew some blood into a fountain pen for VinMan. After signing it, it appears that the wheelchair just didn't have enough horsepower to make it up the ramp, so Shane came out for assistance. And, Stevie laid there bleeding like a stuffed pig. That was about 15-20 unneeded minutes of pure drivel...

Now, Edge vs Gangrel. Edge comes out looking cool (you just can't go wrong with a Gothic - rocker type of entrance). The topic of conversation between King and J.R.- why does Gangrel despise Edge? That's simple- Edge has nicer hair, nicer abs, and doesn't need to wear blue eyeliner. Silly men... The funniest moment of this match was Gangrel, trying to be a high flyer, slipping on the ropes and Edge taking advantage of that. Gangrel was hurting. But, he had enough left in him to push Edge into the fire pit. I don't think Edge went down too far, because you could see his legs sticking up for a couple seconds.

Before the DX speech with references to weed, Fink was covered in honey and feathered. My, aren't we getting kinky? After the DX speech, laced with a few refs to weed, Kane arrives. X- Pac decides it's best to have a one-sided (I say one-sided, because Kane only cocks his head to one side) heart-to-heart with him in front of a packed house. Then, "It's All About the Benjamins" DX comes out. A small fight ensues, until Taker comes out. And, Taker decided to tell Kane that he'd never make him choose. Now, Kane is torn between his little Degenerate buddy (who treats him with respect) and his big bro (who dogged him). Choices, choices-- and I thought deciding between the chicken strip and shrimp baskets at the Boston Beanery was hard.

Val & Godfather vs. Hardy Boyz. Jeff looks like he's getting fashion tips from either the ho's or Droz. One thing I like about this tag team, besides their skills- they seem to like to remove clothing when they are happy. And, here come the Acolytes.

Does it really take that much gauze to cover a laceration caused by a razor blade? Of course, since Stevie didn't have any beer that night, they had extra money to spend on such things.

Deb's such a bad actress. She was clearly seen laughing when her man did the Stunner on Jeff Jarrett. Then, afterwards, Stevie hits the mic. Then, the Big Show lumbers out, and commences to speak, not without much spitting, of course. I pity those sitting close to the stage- they probably needed some ponchos. And, a match is created- Big Schmo and Mr. Predictable vs. the Brothers Grim.

Next Match: Evil DX vs. Good DX. After 2 runs of his entrance stuff, Kaney's a no-show, so Rocky, the poet laureate of the WWF, decides to take his place. Brawling ensues, and Good DX and Rock win.

Droz and Saturn must be really good buddies. Droz wants an evening gown match, and Al answers his challenge. But, it must be a hardcore evening gown match. Quote of the evening: "Don't Just Sing It- Bring It, Bitch". So, we have chairs, trash can lids, cookie sheets, tongs (doubling as castanets and I won't mention the other use), and a table. And, oh the humanity!, Droz is stripped, to reveal pasties, a thong, and fishnets. Al really provides comic relief, but I wish they'd let him wrestle some legit hardcore matches. And, he looked good in that evening dress. Droz is also good in this whole "getting in touch with my feminine side" angle.

And, the Acolytes now hit the ring. Bradshaw's looking trimmer. He's growing on me. I like his accent and he is getting better on the mic- no more drinking comparisons. I didn't really care who could drink who under the table. They are looking for challengers, and they get one from The Big Shot. And, during his royal butt-kicking, his knight in shining armor, Paul, comes down for the save. Yes, Holly, you had them right where you wanted them...

Test in a gauntlet match. Why is he not wearing the boy briefs anymore? Blackman comes down (or G.I. Joe), and Shamrock soon follows. Stephanie is hit by Shane. End of match.

Taker interview- Kane's looking like he's being bullied by big brother. Taker does some trash talking, without the Undertaker voice, which lets that Texas drawl creep in. I don't really remember what he said (I know it was about Fully Loaded), but I remember him hitting a couple lockers.

And, now for the big match. Where was Paul Bearer? The really only memorable things about it is being able to see Taker's roots (but, his fans still love him, anyway), the miscue on Kane's entrance video, and Stevie looking like a reject from Rambo with the gauze and black band. And, of course, Stevie's the hero. Right now, it's at the point where they are beating a dead horse with all this "Austin is invincible" BS. The last thing I have in my mind regarding RAW is "the tongue". I think that he has beat Gene Simmons for the longest tongue ever. And, was it just me, or was he licking his biker/rasslin' glove? Some of the women out there were loving it (the majority); some hated it. All I have to say is "wow", "yeah, baby", and "do it again!" I thoroughly enjoyed the whole tongue thing. *WEG* If there is m