More Funny Jokes

Bird Recipe

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated

Wash. Biol. Surv.

until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

"Dear Sirs:

While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."

The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed,naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position.

The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired the pistol, my wife shat on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it."

He frowns for a moment, then says, "O.K."

He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About a half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always squealing, how can I tell?

One day, Pete complained to his friend Woody, "Man! My elbow really hurts. I guess I should go see a doctor." Woody said "Don't do that! There's a computer at the corner drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it and it only costs 10 bucks." Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with his urine sample and deposited the $10.00.The computer started making some noise and various lights started to flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

YOU HAVE TENNIS ELBOW. SOAK YOUR ARM IN WARM WATER. AVOID HEAVY LABOR. WILL BE BETTER IN TWO WEEKS.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, Pete began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tapwater, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer. Giggling like a giddy teenager, he poured in the sample and deposited 10 bucks. The machine again made the usual noises and printed out the following analysis:

YOUR TAP WATER IS TOO HARD. GET A WATER SOFTENER. YOUR DOG HAS RINGWORM. BATHE HIM WITH ANTI-FUNGAL SHAMPOO. YOUR DAUGHTER IS USING COCAINE. PUT HER IN A REHABILITATION CLINIC. YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT WITH TWIN GIRLS. THEY AREN'T YOURS. GET A LAWYER. AND IF YOU DON'T STOP JERKING OFF, YOUR TENNIS ELBOW WILL NEVER GET BETTER.

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