|
|
All contents in this folder is property of the greatest parody site on the net - ScoopTHIS.com
Dean Y Rey by Mike Sweetster and Mex Hammer
Episode Uno - THE BELT
STARRING…
The former three-time WCW cruiserweight champion (as portrayed by Mike Sweetster)…the man of a thousand holds…DEAN MALENKO!
And his friend (?)…
The former WCW cruiserweight champion…and the man that’s just a nutty SOB…(as portrayed by Mexx)…REY MYSTERIO JR!
Episode Uno: The Belt (D: Dean Malenko R: Rey Mysterio)
D:Rey Mysterio Jr, I have your belt. Because of the chicanery by Eddie Guerrero, I now also have your car. I like your car. It’s a good car. It goes very fast. However, due to my horrible driving in the thick traffic here in Atlanta earlier today, the car was confiscated by the police. As you know, life is generally horrible. If you wish to get your car back, please go to the authorities. However, life seems to be AUK, because I still have your belt.
R: Dean Malenko, why did you take my car? My uncle, Rey Mysterio Sr., sold my brother, Rey Obviouso, to buy me that car. It was the only automobile in my entire village in my small home town of San Diego. Dean Malenko, I will go to the impound and get my car back. But I expect you to pay for my cab fare and split part of the towing costs. And the belt. I want that too. But the car first. Arriba!
(Dean fell asleep at this point, so Rey continued)
R: Dean Malenko, you have a belt. Not my belt, someone else, possibly Syxx, has the belt. But you have a belt, and that is all that I care about. I want that belt. Or a belt. If I can not have whatever belt it is you have, get me a belt, and I will leave you alone. Arriba!
(Eddy Guerrero smacked Dean and woke him up, so he responded.)
D: Rey Mysterio Jr, I do indeed have a belt. I like this belt. It does a very good job of holding up my pants, which have an odd tendency to fall down. My sister Debbie gave me this belt. I do not intend to give you this belt now or ever. Rey Mysterio Jr, go to K-Mart’s kids section and buy yourself your own belt. This belt is mine.
R: Dean Malenko, last night I was watching reruns of CHIPS on the Superstation and I admired the way that Ponch and Jon worked together. That could be us, Dean Malenko, riding the highways of WCW taking care of business. But not while you have a belt and I do not. Give me that belt, Dean. Your sister Debbie would want me to have it…Ponch and Jon would want me to have it. Arriba!
D: Rey Mysterio Jr, I still have my belt. I, too, witnessed these episodes of CHIPS on WTBS last week. We could be a tremendous team, Rey Mysterio Jr. This is an excellent idea. I will indeed give you a belt. But just a belt. This belt I have belongs to me. I apologize, but I will get you a belt.
R: Dean Malenko, it is good that you too wee watching CHIPS on Ted Turner’s wonderful television network. Did you also see the "Alice" that came on after CHIPS, the one where Flo talked sassily to Mel? Do you know WHY she talked sassily to Mel? I believe, Dean Malenko, it was because Mel does not wear a belt. That is what I feel like. You, Iaukea, and Syxx, you are like Alice, Vera, and Flo. And I am Mel, with no respect and no belt. I don’t want to be Mel, Dean Malenko! Give me your belt!
D: Rey Mysterio Jr, I still have my belt. I went out with the money I earned from winning the cruiserweight championship three times and bought you a belt. It cost me an entire thirty dollars to buy, which was my entire salary because, as you know, Eric Bischoff is cheap. I did not wish for you to be like Mel. I wish for you to be happy. Here is your belt.
R: Dean Malenko, the man who played Mel on "Alice". His name was Vic Tayback. And do you know what, Dean? Tayback’s a bitch! And do you know who will find this out? Eric Bischoff! I did not realise you made such little money, Dean Malenko. Your gift of a belt…that is beautiful. I am touched. And I will kill Eric Bischoff, Dean Malenko, for his mistreatment of you. If Konnan says it is AUK, that is.
D: Rey Mysterio Jr, as the world knows, I still have my belt. Due to my generosity, you now have a belt of your own. I do believe your idea of the assassination of our employer may be slightly extreme, but it is a good idea. I will go along with it. I believe Konnan will want in on the action. We still have our belts. It is time for us to kick some butt.
R: Dean Malenko, this new belt, it is very nice. I enjoy how it says "Rey Jr" inside an outline of Texas. Konnan said it was AUK to kill Eric. He also cursed Spanish. I fear he has developed a disorder. With the combined might of our belts, we will crush all opposition. Expect the really tall people. Ponch y Jon, hombre, Ponch y Jon!!!
D: Rey Mysterio Jr, we now have our belts. Not only that, we have the support of Konnan and the entire Dungeon of Doom, who also say that Bischoff has been screwing them over as far as the profits are concerning. Hugh Morrus especially wishes to pound Eric down. However, all of them wish to have belts as well, although Konnan will settle for a cool bandanna. If we can get these people some belts, we can take Bischoff out and control WCW.
R: Dean Malenko, long have I planned for this day. I have had all the Mysterios - Rey Sr., Rey III, Little Rey, Tom, and the rest- making belts in anticipation for this day. None are large enough for Hugh Morrus, but we can work on that. I will cut up one of my old masks and make a bandanna for Konnan. Then we will whoop a$$ like a bald American named Austin. By the way, I love this belt. It goes with my boots.
D: Rey Mysterio Jr, the Belt World Order has officially been formed. We all now have belts. I spoke to Hugh Morrus, but could not get through to him, because he would not stop laughing. Konnan was able to calm him down long enough for him to say he will forgo getting a belt for now, as long as he can moonsault Eric. I am happy that you like your belt. However, I wish to have a new belt. This belt is getting old. My sister Debbie is a horrible seamstress, which explains why she wrestles.
R: Dean Malenko, I called your sister on the telephone. I said "Debbie Malenko, I will give you my belt. Give it to Dean, and give me his belt." She did. She is as foolish as you, Dean Malenko! Now I have your belt, and you have that piece of crap that you bought! I worked you Dean Malenko! I HAVE YOUR BELT! ARRIBA!
D: Rey Mysterio Jr, you now have my belt! I am now officially angry! you have not only dishonoured me, but you have dishonoured my beautiful sister! She is as angry as I am! You have made a grave mistake, Rey Mysterio Jr! You forgot, I now have the Dungeon of Doom on my side. Konnan is indeed angry with you. Hugh Morrus wishes to squash you.
R: Dean Malenko, you do not realise the depth of my evil-ness! I waited until I had done all the jobbing my contract would allow in those Iaukea losses. Now you can not beat me for the belt. Unless you shoot. But I would appreciate you not do that.
D: Rey Mysterio Jr, you still have my stupid belt. I wish for you to know that the belt cost me exactly forty-seven dollars and sixteen cents to make, as my sister Debbie worked at a sweatshop in Japan. I will not shoot on you, Rey Mysterio Jr. If I do that, I will be blackballed as the Macho Man Randy Savage is, and not be able to wrestle again. However, I do have friends that will help me out, such as Kevin Sullivan.
R: Dean Malenko, Kevin Sullivan looks like that superbaby. You think I fear him? Well, actually, I do. But as it turns out, I have been offered a movie with Billy Crystal and Dennis Rodman. Also, I am filming a pilot for the WB Network, called "Rey!". Therefore, my time is limited, and you can have the belt. I will be hanging in the rafters with Sting for a few months. I hope to learn some mic skills from him. But when I return, that belt will be wanted, Dean Malenko, wanted by me! Rey Mysterio Jr!
NEXT TIME…will Dean find a way to get back at Rey? Will "Rey!" be a success? Will the Belt World Order take over WCW? Will anyone care? Tune in next time for the next segment of The Dean And Rey Show! Episode Dos - THE PANTS R: Dean Malenko, I have sat awake many nights bothered by many issues. Among these issues, Dean Malenko, are those of global warming, whether or not Letterman and Seinfeld have truly decreased in quality, and who really did shoot the deputy? But most of all, Dean Malenko, I have worried about the signs that point to clinical kleptomania o the part of you, Dean Malenko. Possibly this derives from your father, Stu Malenko, who taught the ways of martial arts and bad goatee growing to that no-goodnick Syxx.
D: Rey Mysterio Jr, I have become aware that you have my belt. Due to the fact that YOU, not me, have been obsessed with taking MY belt, Rey Mysterio Jr, you may be in alignment with Syxx and the nWo. But I doubt this very much, as Sting has not beaten you up. So, Rey Mysterio Jr, kleptomania or not, I will get my belt back.
R: Dean Malenko, in my short 12 years on this earth, I have learned a surprising amount of pop psychology terms. Among these, Dean Malenko, is projection. Ad yet, Dean Malenko, you continue to berate me for my desire of a belt. Do you not realise the practical reasoning for my belt needs? With all my high-flying Mexican ways, the chance of my pats falling down is very great. And though I would relish the chance to appear on America’s Funniest Home Videos with the American comic genius ad very tall man, Bob Saget, it would be much easier to give me a belt.
D: Rey Mysterio Jr, you still have my belt. I wish for you to give me my belt back. I regret that your pants fall down, so I suggest you get yourself smaller pants. If your pants were to fall down on a live edition of WCW Monday Nitro, Rey Mysterio Jr, Nitro would have to be moved into a later time slot, and my sister’s children would not like that, as they would have to go to bed and miss the show. I suggest that you modify your wardrobe so you do not need a belt.
R: Dean Maleko, you must undersatd that the wearing of tight pants is looked down upon by my family. By wearing my tight-fitting leather pants that I currently don, I am already mocking my brother, Ricardo Mysterio, who died in the "Great Tight Pants War of 1987" in my tiny home town of San Diego. Besides, Dean Malenko, tighter pants would cut off the circulation to… "Little Mysterio", if you know what I mean.
D: Rey Mysterio Jr, due to the Communications Decency Act, I do not wish and am unable to speak about your "Little Mysterio". That is another subject for another time. However, Rey Mysterio, I have spoken to my brother, Joe, who is a part-time psychiatrist. He said that I do indeed have a case of repressed kleptomania. I have a problem, Rey Mysterio Jr.
(cue ominous, "OH MY GOD!" music)
R: Dean Malenko, I know your brother, Joe Malenko. He once took up residence in my tiny, poor village of San Diego. He was a good man, Dean Malenko. ‘ Joe Malenko, you are a good man’ I often told him. I believe, Dean Malenko, your acceptance of your problem, is the bravest thing that I have ever seen. And yet, with my shiny masks and vinyl outfits, I feel somehow responsible. Please, Dean Malenko, allow me to be your sponsor! Arriba?
D: Rey Mysterio Jr, you have my belt but that is auk. I have accepted that I do not need my belt back, Rey Mysterio Jr. I am in envy of your shiny masks and vinyl outfits. I wish to be helped, Rey. I would appreciate it greatly if you were my sponsor.
R: Dean Malenko, again, I must comment on the overall bravetude of your admittance of your problems. Honestly, though, who would not want to dress in vinyl and wear masks? It feels…like home. But I digress, Dean Malenko. I wish to sponsor you and save you from those desires wish threaten to destroy you, Dean Malenko. Also, I think it will be fun to visit a support group. The possibility for hijinx to ensue are endless. Arriba!
D: Rey Mysterio Jr, let us go to this support group. I believe I can be helped. I believe we should call Syxx as well, as he is another poor soul that can be aided. On another note, I am still in envy of your outfits. I wish to change. No longer will I be the Man of 1,000 Holds, Rey Mysterio Jr. I wish to be the Man of 1,000 Aerial Moves. I wish to be a luchador, Rey Mysterio Jr.
R: Dean Malenko, I am sorry that I took so long in answering your call. I was watching MTV’s Spring Break, that Ed Lover is a hoot. Yes, Dean Malenko, I will attend this support group and call Syxx, as well as his goatee. I will not, however, lend you one of my vinyl suits. I do not want to be your ‘enabler’. I can, however, get a hold of a Portuguese Face Jock Strap for the time being, if need be.
NEXT TIME…..will Dean get the help he needs? Will he don the tights and mask and become Rey Deansterio Jr? Will Syxx be involved? What of the Belt World Order? Will anyone else show up? Tune in next week for the newest edition of DEAN Y REY! Episode Tres - THE GROUP D: Rey Mysterio Jr, it is time for me to brave the support group for my kleptomania. Thanks to you sponsorship, I am ready. I was not able to get a hold of Syxx, however, who may not want help. He is not brave enough to accept it. With your help, Rey Mysterio Jr, I can beat this.
R: Dean Malenko, I feel that Syxx is a coward, mostly because he hides behind that giant hair and evil goatee of his. While it is true that I envy his ability to grow long hair, I do not let that affect my judgement. I long ago sacrificed the ability to grow hair so that I might be able to fly like one of J.M. Barrie’s Lost Boys. You see Dean Malenko, reading is funde…wait, what was I saying?
D: Rey Mysterio Jr, you were, for some reason, talking about the Lost Boys and your lack of hair, which is your own fault, Rey Mysterio Jr. You shaved your head last year in order to become more aerodynamic. Perhaps the brainbusters I have given you in our matches have knocked you silly. But this is about helping me. I need help, Rey Mysterio Jr. We are at this group for help. Perhaps they can also help you with your hair problem.
R: Dean Malenko, last night I listened to John Lennon’s first solo single issue, ‘Cold Turkey’. Mostly I listened for the blazing guitar work, but also, because it somehow relates to our situation. You need to go cold turkey in your stealing ways, Dean Malenko, possibly by giving me your belt. And twenty dollars, Dean Malenko. I am sure that will help too.
D: Rey Mysterio Jr, you already have my only good belt. Due to this, my pants are constantly falling down. While my wife enjoys this very much, as it allows her to have intercourse more easily, Rey Mysterio Jr, it is a bother during matches. I was recently disqualified during a match during a match with Eddie Guerrero in which I would have won, but was arrested for indecent exposure. Rey Mysterio Jr, I need a belt.
R: Dean Malenko, I did not need to hear about the ways that you and your wife, Mrs Dean Malenko, deal with your pants problem. And I am also glad that we no longer fued, because I would think that the Texas Cloverleaf would take on a whole new meaning. I had forgotten I had your belt, drinking many Coronas in anticipation of ‘Selena’ has had an adverse effect on my mental capacities. Edward James Olmos is a hero in my tiny village of San Diego.
D: Rey Mysterio Jr, you still have my belt. Now that I listen to you talk about the movie ‘Selena’, which by the way, is a tragic film, I find from you, Rey Mysterio Jr, that you have a serious drinking problem. This goes beyond my kleptomania, Rey Mysterio Jr. My problem has been solved, thanks to the support group. However, something even larger is ahead of us—your alcoholism. You must you have a problem, Rey Mysterio Jr, and seek help, as I did.
R: Dean Malenko, damn you and your meddling ways! I do not have a drinking problem! Just because I am seventeen years old, does that prohibit me from enjoying that wonderful taste of Corona, the premiere alcoholic beverage in…my refrigerator? You stay out of this, Dean Malenko, this is between me and the makers of Corona, and a certain Tejano music sensation! Cuervo Gold! Er, Arriba!
D: Rey Mysterio Jr, you do have a problem. According to my brother Joe, you are suppressing an alcoholic tendency, which in time, could be very detrimental to your wrestling career, much as it was for Jake Roberts and Scott Hall. Or at least that is what Joe wrote in his letter. But he is correct, Rey Mysterio Jr. I do not wish for you to end up like Jake, Rey Mysterio Jr. Please, allow ME to sponsor YOU.
R: Dean Malenko, it is my natural right to strike out at those who try to help me. I have seen many films in which this is so. Possibly ‘Selena’, but I am not sure. But if your brother, Joe Malenko, says I have a problem, then it must be so. That said, Dean Malenko, I am willing to take you on as my sponsor in my quest to stop drinking alcoholic beverages, and stick only to safe drinks, like those giant margarites. Do they sell those in movie theatres? One would go well with a matinee showing of ‘Selena’!
D: Rey Mysterio Jr, I have not been to a movie theatre in many months, ever since I went to see the newest Star Trek movie. I felt kinship with Captain Picard as we are both balding and do not smile much. However, Rey Mysterio Jr, I digress. Since you have admitted you have a problem, as I did, I will sponsor you in the Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, and afterwards, we will go to a movie, then to a WCW card, where we will pound that coward Syxx for deserting us.
R: Dean Malenko, you are a Star Trek fan? That makes me laugh for several reasons. You missed out on the Star Wars comeback, Dean Malenko. All of my friends - Chewbacca, Artoo, and those lovable Ewoks - they were all there and restored. But I digress. Yes, Dean Malenko, I will accept your offer if only to see a funtastical WCW card and pound that no-goodnick Syxx.
NEXT TIME…will Rey’s alcoholism be cured, or will he become WCW’s answer to Jake Roberts? Will Dean and Rey get into a brawl over Star Trek and Star Wars? Will Syxx be pounded? Tune in next time for the next exciting edition of DEAN Y REY! A day in the life of WCW's Tony Schiavone By Jimmy XCite
(8:00 am--Tony Schiavone's alarm clock goes off)
Tony: Ahhhhh, what a good night's sleep. It was the best sleep in the history of all sleep!
Tony's Wife: Do you mind, I'm trying to sleep.
Tony: I'm going to go downstairs and get myself the greatest breakfast of all breakfasts!
Tony's Wife: Alright, just stop yelling. (10:00 am--Tony Schiavone sits at the table eating)
Tony's Wife: What are you still doing here? I thought you said you were going to eat 2 hours ago?
Tony: These past 2 hours have been the greatest 2 hours ever! I had the greatest breakfast in the history of great breakfasts!
Tony's Wife: You've been sitting here eating for 2 hours?
(horn honks)
Tony: Oh my goodness fans! That must be Mike Tenay and Bobby Heenan! It's time to get into the best car of all cars and head over to WCW! (In the car)
Heenan: Hey Tony.
Tenay: Tony.
Tony: Thank you for the warm reception fans! That was the greatest greeting I have ever witnessed!
Tenay: Yeah... (10:45 am--WCW Headquarters)
Lee Marshall: Hello Mike, Tony... Weasel.
Tony: Well Well, it's Lee Marshall for our 1-800-Collect Road Report! What news do you have for us today, Lee?
Lee: Bischoff wants to see you in his office.
Tony: In a second, fans! Let me just change this sweaty shirt! Even though it is the greatest shirt I have ever worn!
(Tony takes off his shirt)
Lee: Oh my!
Heenan: Good God!
Tony: Gentlemen, you are looking at the finest pair of breasts in this history of this great sport!
Lee: I think I'm going to be sick!
(Lee Marshall runs to the bathroom)
(Diamond Dallas Page walks by)
DDP: Yikes! (11:15 am--Eric Bischoff's office)
Eric: Tony, I need to talk to you about something.
Tony: Well, if it isn't Eric Bischoff! The leader of the NWO! The greatest leader of the NWO ever, but still the leader of the NWO! I don't want anything to do with you!
Eric: This isn't Nitro, this is real life.
Tony: What the f@#k's going on here?!
Eric: Look Tony, just calm down. All I want to do is talk to you about your job.
Tony: Ric Flair beat you! He's the boss, Bischoff! The greatest boss in the history if this great sport!
Eric: Look, just get out of my office.
Tony: This has been the greatest moment in the history of my great life!
(Bischoff shakes his head) (12:36 pm--At the soda machine. Tony is sipping a Diet Pepsi as Hollywood Hogan walks up)
Hogan: Hey Tony.
Tony: Help! NWO!
Hogan: Look, I don't want any trouble, brother. Just a soda.
Tony: Can we get some security out here now?! It's the NWO, fans!
Hogan: Calm down.
(Tony throws the can of soda at Hogan's head and runs away) (1:24 pm--The Parking Lot)
Tony: Dammit! That was the greatest soda in the history of this great sport!
(Kevin Nash's car pulls up next to Tony)
Nash: You need a ride, Schiavone?
Tony: Keep on moving, buster! I'll walk thank you very much! (7:45 pm--Tony Schiavone's House)
Tony's Wife: Where have you been? I just called WCW and they told me you left at 12:30. That was over 7 hours ago.
Tony: I just took the greatest walk of all walks and boy did it feel good! I've never felt better in my entire life!
Tony's Wife: We live 4 blocks from WCW, and you've been walking for 7 hours?
Tony: Yes!
(Tony's 5 year old son steps into the room)
Tony: Well if it isn't the greatest son in the history of the Schiavone Family!
Tony's 7 year old son: What about me dad?
Tony: You heard me!
Tony's 5 year old boy: Daddy, I got an A on my math test today! It was the greatest A in the history of the school!
Tony: Well fans, this has truly been the greatest day in the history of my great life. We're out of time! See you on Thursday! Vince McMahon on America Online
The Scoop THIS! Edit Before an online chat session transcript is made available, it goes through a certain filtering process before it is released to the public, to make sure everyone involved is happy with the end product. STc's elite brigade of top-notch investigative reporters has managed, not without physical pain and emotional distress, to obtain a copy of the ORIGINAL session, the way it actually happened.
The following is the true transcript of a Vince McMahon chat held Monday night, November 17th, on America Online.
OnlineHost: Tonight's guest is...Vince McMahon!!!
OnlineHost: Vince McMahon will be taking YOUR questions!!!
OnlineHost: Ok....Here we go...
OnlineHost: Ladies and gentlemen...please welcome.Vince McMahon!!
Vince: I think they get the hint.
OnlineHost: Sorry.
Vince: Hello, fans. Fire away.
Question: First question - Vince, what is going to happen to the Hart Foundation?
Vince: The Hart Foundation will continue on without Bret and who knows, it might even be better withihihi.. sorry, even better without Brehihihaha.. oh, f#$% it, I can't even type it with a straight face. Who are we kidding, they're history.
Question: Vince, what direction will Owen Hart and The Bulldog now take in the WWF?
Vince: Job-city, USA.
Question: Vince... we all saw Rick Rude on WCW tonight. Can you please address this?
Vince: It's amazing how one person can be at two places at once, I''ve been trying to do that all my life. Rick had a lawsuit against WCW, and it's obvious that Rick settled that lawsuit. I will be expecting a thank you call from Rick to my office tomorrow morning because I'm an old, delusional man.
Question: Turner has increased his budget for talent... will you attempt to purchase disgruntled wcw wrestlers or grow your own?
Vince: WHAT A MANOEUVRE!!!
Online Host: ...?
Vince: Sorry, it's a tick.
Online Host: Oh.
Vince: As for the question - we wish not to have anyone disgruntled to join us from Turner's organization or anyone disgruntled to stay with our organization. Hell, as you could probably already tell, we don't want any wrestlers at all. We're hoping to have a wrestler-free federation by 2001, and doing a pretty good job so far.
Question: Bret screwed Bret? Who told the ref to ring the bell?
Vince: I think my interview tonight approached this subject as honestly and as I possibly could, despite the fact that the interviewer was one of my own paid employees reading questions I had prepared for him to read. What more does a guy have to do?
Question: Vince I totally agree with your decision regarding Bret "The Sellout" Hart. What superstars do you see stepping up to the plate with Hart's departure from the WWF?
Vince: Hehe, you ask that like it matters. Why, just a few years ago, both Bret and HBK were scrawny tagteam wrestlers (Harts & Rockers). In fact, at the post-WrestleMania 7 party in 1991, both Bobby Heenan and I were completely trashed when he asked me how I planned to survive after Hogan's eventual retirement. More than slightly inhebriated, I told him I could make icons of anyone. So he called my bluff and dared me to make superstars of Hart Foundation lightweight Bret Hart (who's tagteam had just jobbed to the Nasty Boys, of all people, earlier that same night) and Rocker fruitcake Shawn Michaels. The very idea that these two twigs could even compete in the same ring as Hogan and Warrior back then was inconcievable, but the marks bought it. One year later, at Survivor Series 92, these two tagteam midcarders headlined the PPV against one another. To this day, no one has questioned why Michaels is wearing the heavyweight belt while a guy like Brian Christopher, who has ostensibly the same build, is competing in the lightweight division. Heenan still owes me a 50 on that one.
Vince: But the moral of this story is, if I decide that tomorrow's wrestling icons will be Rocky Maivia and Miguel the Human Carpet Perez, it will happen. Wh o wants to bet me $50 on that one?
Onl ine Host: Vince, pleas e - put the gun down. Don't do anything foolish.
Vince: No, seriously. I could use the money. Anyone?
Online Host: Vince, stop being silly.
Vince: Ok, ok. But only because I know you believe me and it scares you.
Question: Vince, will the cross-promotion with ECW continue, and if so for how long?
Vince: Yes the cross promotion is likely to continue with ECW, if for no other reason than because our wrestlers insist on the ECW TV exposure - what with Raw's rating being what they've been.
Question: Did you strip Bret of the title so that he wouldn't go to WCW with it, Vince?
Vince: In my interview tonight on RAW I addressed the time honored tradition that someone of Bret's significance should have respected: and that is to lose as much credibility as you can in as short a period of time as is humanly possible before leaving the company. I regret that Bret did not honor that tradition, unlike Diesel who jobbed to Sparky Plugg like a real man before he left. And I'm sure we all respect Kevin Nash just a little bit more because of it.
Question: Vince, when will we see Mark Henry, Brakkus, and Yokozuna back in the ring?
Vince: There will be an abundance of new WWF Superstar talent arriving on the scene in a very short period of time. And I'm just referring to Yoko here.
Question: Don't you feel that Shawn Michales may have too much "pull"?
Vince: What Shawn Michaels and Triple-H do in the privacy of their own bedroom is their business and no one else's.
Question: Is the WWF really in financial trouble, and if so, is that the main reason for letting Bret go?
Vince: No the WWF is not in financial trouble; however, part of the decision for Bret's departure was a business decision, and that was that Bret was not worth all the coupons and canned goods we were providing for him and his family.
Question: Vince, How do you plan to obtain NEW talent?
Vince: The same way we always have...we find them under rocks.
- STc: I swear to God we didn't even have to parody that one.
Question: For those naysayers who have spoken disingenuously and prematurely of who the man called Warrior really is - or glibly talked of who really owns Warrior and/or Ultimate Warrior...your time has come. Show your face and embrace the vacuity you have fomented and others may show ephemeral mercy. I - on the other hand, will be assiduous in my truculent efforts to expunge any and all hypocrites who have derided the reputation of a one-of-a-kind character who will live forever in the minds and hearts of those who "got it".
Online Host: WHAT?
Vince: Nevermind. That was the Ultimate Warrior. He's always interrupting my chats or talking about the WWF despite claims that he's moved on to better things. Just ignore him like I do.
Online Host: Oh, okay.
Question: Vince, do you think the rest of the WWF superstars will be able to trust you again.
Vince: Of course they will. Cuz if they don't, I'll have them submitting to pre-match handshakes so fast they won't know what hit'em.
Question: Vince, do you think DX is good for the WW F? and do they pu t fans in seats? and this your answer to the NWO?
Vince: DX is certainly not my answer to the NWO. Shawn Michaels, Hunter Hearst Helmsley and Chyna are a very exciting threes ome. (Trust me, I've seen hidden videot ape.)
Question: Vince, what was Shawn's reaction after the match?
Vince: Shawn's reaction was one of complete surprise and shock, just like we agreed it would be during our meeting at the hotel the previous night when we discussed the double-cross.
Question: Hey Vince! I have been a WWF fan for over 20 years now, and it seems that money is getting the ratings in the 90s. Have you ever considered working a deal with Rupert Murdoch and FOX to compete with Ted Turner's wallet?
Vince: That might be a possibility. The WWF is one of the few remaining entertainment companies that a major network has yet to show the slightest interest in.
Question: Vince McMahon, you said you wanted Bret to do "the traditional thing", how can you expect him to lay down in his own hometown?
Vince: The biggest joke in the wrestling business is when a wrestler says he has to be taken care of in his own home town. However, I was not aware that Bret ever visited Montreal very much, much less spoke French. That's like saying that Shawn Michaels who is an American can't lose the title in America. Shawn Michaels refusing to job his titles away is due to his tremendous ego and the crotch hold he has on me - and has nothing to do with such silliness as "hometown heroics".
Question: Mr.Mcmahon, is Mr. Austin fully recovered?
Vince: We are not certain as to whether or not Stone Cold has totally recovered. Time will tell. But we do expect him to snap into total paralysis at any time now, so tune in and keep buying those PPVs - the next one could be the big one!
Question: Vince, what will you do with the extra money that you have now that Bret has left?
Vince: Probably buy two or three new toupees.
- STc: Once again, another freebie.
Vince: Come on guys, don't go to sleep on me now... it's past my bedtime but I'm still hanging in there.
Online Host: Vince, there are 2 people left in the chat room, and we believe one of them to be asleep.
Vince: They didn't buy any of it, did they?
Online Host: Doesn't look like it, no.
Vince: Well, to the 1 conscious fan who hung in there, I'd like to say that I'm proud of the accomplishments of the WWF. I'm proud of the fans that support us and very proud of the Superstars that perform here in the WWF. It takes all of those elements, plus Lady Luck, good weather, and lots and lots of lemmings for things to go right. Hopefully, everyone on line understood what I was trying to say tonight on television. I don't expect many people to support my decision because most fans are, quite naturally, sympathetic to the wrestling talent and, that's fine with me. I'm charged with making the best decision for all of our fans, the best decision for all of our Superstars, the best decision for all of our employees, and, I did it. I remain steadfast in my conviction that it was the right decision no matter how unpopular that may be. I tried not to denegrate Bret Hart. I was truthful. I had never known Bret to be selfish. I never could have anticipated that Bret would not be the mindless servant he always was, and in one single act of come-uppance, he hurt himself, his fans, and his wrist... a decision I believe Bret will regret forever. I wish Bret good luck and Godspeed. And thank you, my one remaining conscious supporter, for allowing me the privilege of talking to you like this.
Question: uh.. nice speech Vince, but it's just me - J.R.
Vince: Grmbl.
end session. Scoop THIS.com’s 1998 Predictions (Dec. ’97) Jan 3 - In his article for the Calgary sun, Bret Hart whines about the Montreal double-cross.
Jan 18 - In a ring with 29 other sweaty men, Goldust spontaneously combusts in San Jose, CA.
Jan 21 - Despite the Harts' break-up, Al Isaacs predicts Yokozuna will join the WWF's Hart Foundation on the next Raw.
Feb 13 - Ted Turner buys Canada.
March 2 - Al Snow arrested, NWO's Elizabeth gets her head back.
March 21 - In his article for the Calgary sun, Bret Hart whines about the Montreal double-cross.
March 22 - Tragedy at WCW's Uncensored PPV as someone replaces Sting's rafter cable with a bungee cord.
March 29 - Horror in Boston: Referee Mike Tyson eats Owen Hart during Wrestlemania XIV main event. McMahon suspected of purposely starving Tyson before the match.
March 31 - Despite the Harts' break-up & their only surviving WWF member being eaten alive, Al Isaacs predicts Yokozuna will join the WWF's Hart Foundation on the next Raw.
April 1 - April Fools: Ted Turner anonymously sends 45 million extra-large pizzas to Vince McMahon's home.
April 3 - On his way to Manchester, England for a PPV, Hunter Hearst Helmsley gets into a shouting match with a stewardess that ends with HHH urinating on her. Triple-H is arrested and fired.
April 15 - Canada's TSN cancels Raw after airing nothing but crowd shots for 2h.
April 30 - Vince McMahon informs Shawn Michaels that due to Turner's April Fool's prank, the WWF can no longer afford him, and to pursue other opportunities.
May 2 - WCW Scandal: Tabloids publish photos of Bob Ryder & Eric Bischoff in the same bed. Details available in 1wrestling.com's premium area at a low, low price.
May 14 - Ted Turner buys South Africa.
May 23 - In his article for the Calgary sun, Bret Hart whines about the Montreal double-cross.
May 31 - Because Michaels has informed McMahon that he will not job his title on his home planet of Earth, that night's In Your House PPV main event ends when Vince rings the bell prematurely and announces HBK has submitted to Ken Shamrock's devastating pre-match handshake.
June 1 - Michaels signs with WCW for $26 mil a year. Other wrestlers soon follow.
June 28 - The WWF's King Of The Ring PPV features only one match between the only two wrestlers left in the organization: Shamrock vs Sunny. The Heavyweight, Intercontinental, Europpean and Tag-Team titles are up for grabs in this one.
July 17 - Despite the Harts' break-up, their only surviving WWF member being eaten alive, and the WWF's entire roster consisting of Shamrock & Sunny, Al Isaacs predicts Yokozuna will join the WWF's Hart Foundation on the next Raw.
July 24 - Phil Muchnick found dead in St-Louis hotel room at 2:15am. Similarly to the Who Shot Mr Burns episode of the Simpsons, everyone in all feds is accused.
July 31 - Ted Turner buys England.
Aug 8 - The crowd in Sturgis falls asleep halfway through WCW's Road Wild. They wake up to an empty lot with their wallets missing.
Aug 12 - Dakota Runnels found guilty in Muchnick murder investigation.
Aug 16 - Yokozuna signs 6-year deal with WCW for an undisclosed amount of Arch Deluxes.
Aug 24 - In an effort to boost Raw ratings, Ken Shamrock and Sunny have uncensored hardcore sex in the middle of the ring. Raw gets an extension and goes 3h when Shamrock demonstrates unparalleled stamina.
Aug 25 - USA Network cancels Raw due to graphic content.
Aug 26 - Despite the Harts' break-up, their only surviving WWF member being eaten alive, the WWF's entire roster consisting of Shamrock & Sunny, Raw being cancelled and Yokozuna having inked a 6-year deal with WCW 2 weeks earlier, Al Isaacs predicts Yokozuna will join the WWF's Hart Foundation on the next Raw.
Aug 30 - SummerSlam 98: Shamrock pins Sunny to regain the WWF Heavyweight, Intercontinental, Europpean and Tag-Team titles. They then have uncensored hardcore sex. Those crazy kids.
Sep 6 - In his article for the Calgary sun, Bret Hart whines about the Montreal double-cross.
Sep 21 - Bob Ryder starts asking for royalties whenever his name is used outside of 1wrestling.com.
Oct 2 - Ted Turner buys Tibet. When China threatens war in retaliation, he buys them too.
Oct 14 - Ken Shamrock signs a 4-year deal with WCW.
Nov 29 - Due to a lack of in-ring talent, Jim Ross & Vince McMahon don the tights and face Sunny in a handicap match, the only one on this Survivor Series card.
Dec 12 - Ted Turner buys the World Wrestling Federation for $6.95 and shuts it down.
Dec 16 - Despite the Harts' break-up, their only surviving WWF member being eaten alive, the WWF's entire roster consisting of Sunny, Raw being cancelled, Yokozuna having recently inked a 6-year deal with WCW and the WWF no longer existing, Al Isaacs predicts Yokozuna will join the WWF's Hart Foundation on the next Raw. Credit: Scoop THIS.com
Back to the top
Back to the top
Back to the top
Back to the top
Back to the top
Back to the top
|
This page has been visited
|
